Sunday, June 30, 2002
Have you ever looked back at all the people you've had more than a platonic relationship with and thought... there was that one guy/girl who will always stand out in your mind? I do. Jerry will always stand out in my mind, well, because he was my first serious [for lack of a better word] relationship. It lasted four years, and I can honestly say that being with him is what made me grow old so quickly. I had to be a mother to him, that's why. He was a few years older than me, but he was also immature, so I had to be a step above him just so that our relationship would work.
Then there's Rob. Oh, Rob. Of course I am biased because he was the most recent one, and the one I am still in love with. Not many of us are lucky enough to say they found that one person who was so right for them in every possible way. Rob and I have polar opposite lifestyles... but as people, we were lock and key. He understood me, and for the most part I understood him. I never made a decision about anything without consulting with him first. He always knew the best and logical thing for me to do, whether I liked it or not. A long shitty day at work was always worth it just so I could come home and hear his voice calm me down. And most importantly, I trusted him with all my heart. He is a rarity among men. A rarity among PEOPLE. The kind of person that, if faced with a choice to either help himself or do the right thing and help someone in need, he'd do the right thing. He served as a marine for 6 years. He has been with the same company as he started with right out of the military years later. He works and work and works, even on his own time just to save the company money. He's a self sufficient adult living on his own. He knows how to clean up after himself, he cooks, he's a handyman and he's smart as hell, but not the type of "smart guy" that makes you feel stupid if you don't know something that he does. He showed me all the things I could love about a guy. He set my standards for me... he's the kind of guy I will never get over.
_end session @ 01:31 PM PST
Saturday, June 29, 2002
Public beach bathrooms are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO gross.
_end session @ 07:47 PM PST
Thursday, June 27, 2002
I'm in sort of a good mood.
*smile*
_end session @ 07:41 PM PST
Wednesday, June 26, 2002
So something at work comes up and I'm summoned for travel duty this October. Where are they sending me? Orlando, Florida. Yep. Mickey/boyband/popgroup-town. I only get to stay for 3 days but it will still feel odd being within miles of him. I don't know whether I should be happy or sad... *sigh*
I don't think I've ever missed anyone as much as I miss him.
_end session @ 10:27 PM PST
Tuesday, June 25, 2002
Odd. I was browsing a web board and someone pointed out something in a picture that was posted. I thought I was going nuts because all I could see in the picture was darkness and a few lights. Then the lightbulb above my head came on and I adjusted the brightness on my monitor... ahhhhhh so THAAAT's what they were talking about in the picture! I'm liking this new bright outlook I'm living vicariously through my monitor.
The hangnail from hell is plaguing my right hand ring finger. It's one of those deep ones that's got a chunk of bruised skin on the right side of my finger nail. Try sorting piles of paperwork with a painful hang nail. It takes paper cuts to a whole new level.
Today a nice elderly man sharing the elevator with me commented on how "beautiful" my hair was. He was standing beside me and said "I'm going to take some scissors and chop your beautiful hair off and put it on my [bald] head".. uhh.. mm.. ok sir. Then he went off on how his wife used to have hair down to her butt and blah blah, I decided I'd engage in small talk, what the heck, and mentioned believe it or not I just chopped 4" off. I want to cut more off but in a way my long hair is like my security blanket. I never have to style it and I never have a bad hair day. The down side to long hair is the large amount of conditioner you go through in a week. That, and also brushing it and trying to avoid shedding every gotdamn place like a dog. Let's not forget the agony of humid weather and the absence of a hair clip. AWFUL!
_end session @ 10:13 PM PST
Monday, June 24, 2002
And OH BOY was the day fucking hectic. Being the office manager, I was the one in charge of the *duh* office move. Of course, everyone likes to NOT listen to me and instead of writing down or emailing me their issues about the move they come up to me like a pack of wolves blabbering away at what's not connected, what's not working, blah blah blah. I got into work at 8:45am and literally didn't get to sit down in my chair until 10:11am. I didn't leave work till 6:45 either, and I think it's gonna be that way for the next two weeks or until we get settled. There was a crisis earlier, our DSL went down suddenly for no apparent reason. I got on the horn with DSL customer care and she advised me to shut all computers down including the server and the routers. Getting everyone in my office to do something in unison is like pulling teeth, so the simple task of shutting everyone down took about half an hour. I finally reached the room where our server is to shut it and the routers down...... then I realized, DUH, someone restarted the server and didn't log in, therefore none of us were fucking connected. GEEZUS.
*sigh* I'm hungry as all hell but I can't seem to pull myself away from the computer. OK... gotta eat dinner now.... and sleep..... bye.
_end session @ 10:24 PM PST
Sunday, June 23, 2002
Click here to read the juicy blog.
(e-mail for access.)
_end session @ 10:54 PM PST
Saturday, June 22, 2002
It's 7pm. I have the urge to go to the nearest store and purchase a complete collection of Sex and the City, seasons 1, 2 & 3. I mustn't give in though. All three sets will probably cost close to $100 or more. (Proceeds to check eBay and amazon.com.) Speaking of spending money, I've seriously got to go shopping for summer clothes. I hate shopping, I don't think I've ever went to the mall to actually peruse different stores with the strict intent to add to different sections of my wardrobe. Ok, so I probably have. But when I do go to the mall it's usually because I need a pair of jeans or I lost my favorite sweater and need a new one. After that, I'm GONE.
Weird.. I also have the urge to purchase an iBook. Heh?
_end session @ 07:27 PM PST
Thursday, June 20, 2002
I'm dead tired but my body just won't fall asleep. It's too humid, my hair is too damn long and sticks to various body parts, and I've got way too much on my mind.
Let me try to go to sleep again.
_end session @ 12:10 AM PST
Wednesday, June 19, 2002
I've said it many, many times before, but after a long sleepless night I've finally decided it was time to change things around in my life:
1. Stop spending so much time on the internet, watching the clock, and daydreaming while in the office. If I got things done on schedule and had lots of time leftover, I'd be 10x less stressed out and bitchy to my poor co-workers. We're moving offices this week and will be in the new office starting Monday. This is a good opportunity to get fucking organized and create new systems for the office so it will run smoothly if I am not there to take charge.
2. Stop, and I mean STOP buying things for my car. It is a bottomless pit which will reap no real rewards for me in the end. I've already put up all the parts I've purchased for my car on sale and I hope to bring in about $1500, which is nothing compared to what I've spent on them.. GUH, but I need the money more than I need my car to go "fast". After these items are sold, I am taking a break from import tuning for a long, long, long time.
3. Stop waiting until you get 10 million overdraft charges before depositing your fucking paycheck!!! I'm so stupid, I did not keep track of my funds, I check my balance today and I'm fucking $99 in the HOLE, and $63 of those bucks are overdraft fees. I've had my paycheck sitting in my wallet for days now. I don't do direct deposit because I just don't trust it, and sometimes I like to take my paycheck early.
4. If I say I'm going to do something, fucking do it!!!
5. Don't flake out on school this Fall semester. My boss recommended taking a few advanced accounting classes so I can start doing the real financial managing at work. I better not change my mind! If I do, kill me. Plus it will get my mom out of my hair finally.
6. Go to the doctor SOON to test for diabetes (it runs in my family) and for signs of cancer (runs in my family as well).
7. Change my diet so that I actually eat 3 meals instead of sporatic snacks throughout the day. NO MORE SODA! (As I type that my aunt calls me and asks if I want Mountain Dew or Sierra Mist)
8. Read a gotdamn book or something intellectual like that.
_end session @ 08:35 PM PST
Tuesday, June 18, 2002
Click here to read the juicy blog.
(e-mail for access.)
_end session @ 11:33 PM PST
brokenhearted...
life's not over...
i can start again...
_end session @ 10:44 PM PST
Monday, June 17, 2002
on the way home last night. I was listening to the soft rock station KIIS FM (because I'll get a headache if I listen to anything else while it's late and I'm stuck in traffic) and this song came on. It's by Luther Vandross and the lyrics are:
"...I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else/I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself/I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart/I'd rather have the one who holds my heart..."
Yeah, typical cheesy love song lyrics, but they're great aren't they? :o)
I thought I lost my license and credit cards today but I didn't. They fell out of my back pocket when I took a piss in my bathroom at home. No, they didn't fall in the toilet, thank the lawd. It would have been catastrophic if they fell out at the gas station or UPS center.
_end session @ 08:57 PM PST
For an unknown reason. It was humid as all hell last night so I tossed and turned in bed until about 2:30 am. I woke up every so often in the middle of the night. To my surprise, as soon as my 5:30 alarm clock went off, I was up and alert. Huh? I usually don't even hear the incessant buzzing until 7am. There was no way I was getting up just yet though, so I slept a little more until 6:30. Then, I laid in my bed for a good hour before finally getting up. I wonder why I was able to get up with such little sleep.
In a few I will be taking my boss's MDX to lug those boxes of stuff I sold on eBay to ship at UPS. The navigation system is great. It talks to you so it's not a road hazard having to look at it every so often for directions. It also keeps me un-lonely. :p
_end session @ 12:24 PM PST
Don't go stealing it now.
_end session @ 12:14 AM PST
Sunday, June 16, 2002
I usually am not into these mushy up and coming R&B singing group songs but this one is really nice. It's called "I Fall So Deep" by EOL. They've been around for a while, so I guess that wouldn't make them up and coming would it. Bah.
I am in San Diego but in a couple hours I should be heading back to Los Angeles. I am so not looking forward to the bumpy ride home. I am so paranoid about bending my rims on the shittily paved roads that plague Southern California. On top of that I have a nasty headache and sleepy as hell. It's really hot here. I should be used to it by now.
If you read my private entry earlier.... well I think I pretty much shot myself in the foot by doing what I did. I am too scared to face him now (figuratively speaking) so I used this weekend to "hide out" from him. Congratulations, Mae. You just depressed yourself even more. I suppose it's written in my stars to be eternally regretful of things that I do or do not do. Someone shoot me.
Why is it so HUMID here?!
I gotta go eat dinner and scurry on home. Bye.
_end session @ 06:56 PM PST
Thursday, June 13, 2002
Click here to read the juicy blog.
(e-mail for access.)
_end session @ 01:00 PM PST
Wednesday, June 12, 2002
I was able to talk to my friend this morning (the one I mentioned earlier). He's ok, he's just been having storms and power outages over where he lives so he unplugged his phones.
I'm wearing one of those airbrushed sunset themed shirts that you can get personalized at Disneyland. It says "Jerry & Mae".. heh. It's about 3 years old. Can you tell it's laundry day?
Why does it feel like Friday? Maybe it's because everyone left work early today for an unknown reason. I didn't leave until 5 though.
This week has been abnormally tiring. I think I shall rest now.
_end session @ 07:38 PM PST
Tuesday, June 11, 2002
I feel like utter crap. What's wrong with me? I'm not sure, but I feel very uneasy inside. Maybe it's because I haven't spoken to or heard from one of my good friends since Friday morning. Everytime I call, the phone just rings and rings and rings and the answering machine doesn't even pick up. I'm very worried. I will try calling him at work tomorrow morning. I just hope he's ok. Worrying sucks ass.
Going to [try to go to] bed now.
_end session @ 10:43 PM PST
Monday, June 10, 2002
Oddly enough, I feel much better about my hair now that it's shorter. I don't know if I mentioned it but last time I visited San Diego my mom chopped off about 4" of my hair. It still goes past my waist though. Hmph. It feels healthier and is easier to brush. I think I might just cut off a little more. Maybe to the middle of my back.
I must be the most indecisive person on the face of the earth. I find myself always making impulse decisions because I know that I want it, but if I dwell too much on it I will end up not getting it and then later I will sorely regret it. I am the most notorious impulse buyer. I almost bought a $35,000 car for crying out loud just because I thought it was gorgeous. I didn't give a damn how high my monthly payments would be. I just wanted those keys in my hand and NOW. But damn, that sure was a gorgeous car. Some day, some day.
I watched two of the movies I rented from netflix.com today. I rented O (remake of Shakespeare's Othello), Moulin Rouge and Serendipity. O was O.K. I only rented it to see my husband in action. Although I do not like watching him play a bad guy. Then I watched Moulin Rouge which had me yawning during the first half hour. The rest was pretty good though. Strange, but good. I half-watched Serendipity on the plane ride back home from Orlando. It seemed ok, so I rented it. I'll watch it after bloggy and before bed time.
I went to bed at almost 3am last night. I was NOT in a good mood when I woke up in the morning. I laid in my warm comfortable bed thinking of an excuse to either delay my arrival time at the office or not show up at all. At 8:25 I sucked it up and finally rolled out of bed. I was surprised I was only 5 minutes late (9:05). I had left my desk a mess from last Friday, so I stacked all the various piles of work on my desk into one large pile which, I shit you not, stood about 8" tall. Piece by piece I sorted the large pile into three piles. STUFF TO MAIL, STUFF TO PAY and the miscellaneous STUFF TO DO pile. I literally worked non stop until I got to the very bottom of my pile. I felt good about myself. I think I should do that more often.
Time to watch my third DVD now. Night.
_end session @ 11:46 PM PST
Sunday, June 9, 2002
Even though it is 1:25 in the afternoon, good morning. I just woke up, but still, good morning. I have no clue why I am in such a cheery mood.
_end session @ 01:28 PM PST
This song is great. Have you ever heard it? It's by Sheena Easton, pretty old late 80s early 90s song. The melody relaxes me.
I went to a friend's house to watch organized combat on Pay Per View. On the way there, I witnessed a nasty accident happen on the freeway. I was driving normal speed, not exceeding 70 mph. First I notice a white Mustang and an old red 300ZX going at it weaving in and out of traffic. I shake my head and think... these kids are gonna kills themselves or someone else. Then I see a 5th gen Civic filled with dudes and they kept hanging out of their windows staring at my car. I shook my head again, silly kids, watch the damn road. Suddenly the car in front of me brakes hard, and luckily I had left enough room in front of me and I was able to slow down. I was in the middle lane (of a 5 lane freeway), and I see the white Mustang and 5th gen Civic on the right side of the freeway facing traffic and rolling to a stop. There was damage to both cars, and I could smell burnt rubber. In the left lane, also facing traffic, was a totaled Camry. The guy inside the Camry was alive and so were the other passengers in the other cars, thank God. Man, that shook me up though. I usually don't put much thought into it when I see an accident on the freeway, but seeing this one happen was just weird. It reminded me of why I stopped driving like a maniac on the roads.
*sigh* God I miss you.
_end session @ 01:58 AM PST
Saturday, June 8, 2002
I went to lie down around 8 pm and ended up sleeping for 3 hours. I hate that, I always wake up with a headache and then never fall back asleep. I'm tired as hell, but when I lie down I'm restless. I'm not very hungry but I'm thirsty and there's nothing in the fridge I can drink without my stomach getting upset. My stomach is sensitive, especially during the late hours or when I've just woken up. Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night and get this craving for a nice cold can of soda, and even though I KNOW very well that I will wake up to horrible stomach pains, I drink some anyway. That craving is just so strong, ya know?
When I got home from work today I sat in my room for a while. I heard some loud car music and teenagers outside my window. I peeked out and awwee they were all dressed up and ready for Senior Prom. There was three couples I think, and one of the parents was taking the pictures. I'm only 20, but damn, did that make me feel old. At times high school feels like it was just last year, and other times I can't even remember the year I graduated. The kids graduating this year are the kids who were Freshman when I was a Senior (err, I think? Let's see.. '99..... '02, yup)! Wow, time flies. My little brother is gonna be a senior next year. Sheesh. Isn't it funny how when you're a senior in high school you feel so old, so much more mature than everyone else. Then, a few years later you see these seniors in high school and think, damn, they're getting smaller and smaller... but the truth is you only THOUGHT you were big-time when in fact you were "small" to older people just like they're "small" to you now.
I'd kill for a can of coke right now, and there's some in the fridge, but ugh... is this craving worth the stomach pains in the morning??? Hmmm.. let me think about this one real quick. Nah, forget it. I'm going back to bed.
_end session @ 12:33 AM PST
Friday, June 7, 2002
I thought I could live with an all-text website but it is just bugging me. I'll probably add a hint of color soon.
_end session @ 04:49 PM PST
Wednesday, June 5, 2002
If you do, buy my Neuspeed Race Springs. It will fit 97-01 Preludes. e-mail me if you're interested. I got my racing seats last night. What luck, I put them in my car, sat down, and I was eye to eye with my fucking air bag. I'm too short for the seats and I can't see over the dash. Putting a short-person cushion on my racing seat is a bit tacky. So, I decided to put them on eBay today. As soon as I submit my listing, I get offline and look for some dinner. An hour later I come back and someone had ALREADY used "Buy It Now" to end my auction. Daaaymn. Ok, well thanks for being so speedy. I think that's a world record. Anyway.
I'll be back.
_end session @ 11:29 PM PST
...with the urge to hear the words "I Love You" spoken to me. It's odd, since I do feel ok in life, I'm not depressed nor am I obsessed with any person, but it would feel damn nice to hear "I Love You, Mae" one last time if it's the last thing I ever hear. Not just from any random person, but from someone whom I love as well. I overheard a co-worker on the phone telling their significant other a simple "I Love You" before they hung up. Those three words that were meaninglessly said over and over and over to me by my first serious boyfriend... took on a completely fresh and wonderful meaning when they were said to me by someone else. God, I miss that.
_end session @ 01:20 PM PST
Tuesday, June 4, 2002
My sister brought him over to the house today because she was gonna take him to the beach. He was looking inside the garage and said "Ninang (means godmother in tagalog) Mae? Where's your car?" I said "it's in the garage, who's car is that? (pointing to my car)". He says, "yours! can i take the keys and drive it?" Hehe, all this coming from my 3 year old god son. He's starting early. :D
_end session @ 03:46 PM PST
You know, this waiting sucks. Especially since I live in a gated complex, there's no guarantee that the driver will be unlazy enough to even try ringing my house through the intercom. I'm just waiting patiently. The window in my loft (where my computer is) faces the front of the house so I can hear when the truck comes. Waiting sucks, it sucks, sucks, sucks!
_end session @ 02:28 PM PST
Monday, June 3, 2002
why in the hell only 1 week's worth of archives is being archived? Guhh damnit greymatter.
_end session @ 11:22 PM PST
Do you ever feel like you wish you didn't have a website? I do. Sometimes I wish I could just hide out and be another anonymous internet user. Ok, it's not like I'm all popular on the internet or anything... but if I could do it over, I'd probably still have my journal up but remain anonymous. Just a simple daily journal... all text, no images. Well, screw that idea now. Actually, I just might do that. I'll probably get rid of my cam, that stupid welcome message I have over there... and just have my blog. Yeah, I think I'll do that. I'm done with the web designin' biznatch.
_end session @ 10:50 PM PST
I must say, this is the best once in a lifetime purchase I've made yet. I'm going to go wash my car now :P
_end session @ 06:20 PM PST
Sunday, June 2, 2002
I am sending Kobe the divorce papers first thing Monday morning. My heart now belongs to this fine young fellow. Now let me ask this question. Why are there so many extremely gorgeous men in the world that want nothing to do with me? I remember watching the movie The Faculty and thinking... wow... this Josh Hartnett dude is pretty damn cute. Then he wasn't in any other movies for a while so I totally forgot about him. Later I would see him in commercials for movies like Here On Earth, Pearl Harbor, etc. and I'd think to myself, good lord he's hot. Then I got on with my life. Last weekend, I watched Pearl Harbor at my parents' house for the first time. Oh. My. God. K, first off I LOVE a man in uniform, it has just always been my "thing", and JOSH HARTNETT in a military uniform? Oh hell. It's over now. When I got back home I had to watch it again so I stole my sister's Pearl Harbor DVD and have watched it every night for the past week. HAHA. Those eyes. Those lips. Those dimples. That height. OH GOD I love tall guys. I LOVE TALL SLIM WHITE GUYS. He's on the border of being scruffy and a pretty boy. Just the right amount of each. I hate pretty boys, yuck. Josh Hartnett is kind of a pretty boy but he's still got that trouble maker look. Tonight after getting home from my work's charity party, I turned on the tube and watched The Virgin Suicides on Starz. Josh had a dumbass wig on in the movie but he was still so hot, I couldn't stop saying (out loud) "good god.. "
But of course, my non-committment ass has to have a secret lova. Who? Of course, the one and only Anakin Skywalker. Have you seen Episode II yet? I saw it last weekend, Hayden Christensen is quite handsome. Therefore I have chosen him to be my booty call. ;)
Oh dream on Mae, dream on.
_end session @ 03:01 AM PST