November 2003

NOVEMBER 30, 2003 :: 05:12PM

New RAW FILES entry Jammin' to ... feelin'

Title: Why do I even bother? (e-mail for access.)

NOVEMBER 30, 2003 :: 04:47PM

There are signs everywhere... Jammin' to ... feelin'

Ever watch that movie Fools Rush In? Remember that scene where Chandler.. err I mean Matthew Perry was walking in Times Square and a priest eerily said to him "there are signs everywhere..." Well, just a few minutes ago while surfing the interweb that scene popped into my head. Uh. Almost like it was a sign in itself... to WAKE THE FUCK UP MAE. And yes, I should. It's all so clear now.

NOVEMBER 29, 2003 :: 03:52PM

New mothaf'in layout. Jammin' to ... feelin'

Alright, let's just hope this new entry doesn't fuck everything up. Spent hours and hours and hours fixing this damn layout so that it works on my Mac, Mozilla AND Nutscrape. It's still not as great on those but at least it works. I know it takes 4 years to load the main image but I don't give a FUCK! It's the only way it'd work. I tried slicing up the image but everything kept getting screwy. Bah! What day is today? I don't even know... it's Saturday I think. I'm a little irritated at my sister right now. She KNOWS very well that rent is due on the first of every month. She also knows very well that she owes me over $2,000. Well, we got a bit of unexpected money from our grandparents -- $1,000 each to be exact. I told her "good now you can pay me rent on Monday." She rolled her eyes and said "we'll see." WTF?!?!! ARGHHH@!#@#%$@@!! I take it back, I'm not a LITTLE irritated, I'm a LOT irritated. What fucking nerve does she have? She has the balls to look me in the face and live with me everyday knowing that she owes all this money to her YOUNGER sister?? FUCK!!

NOVEMBER 25, 2003 :: 08:02PM

I can't focus v.2 Jammin' to ... feelin'

F@#in' A. I wanna crawl into a corner, never to be seen again. I'm trying to do my homework but the twelve million other thoughts in my head are fighting for my concentration. I feel a sharp pain in my chest. Not the physical kind. The emotional kind. Am I heartbroken? Nah, been there done that. Never fully healed and I know what it feels like, and this is not it. Stress? Most definitely. But that's such a broad term. Stress due to what?!? Men Boys. Work. School. Disappointment. Money. Family. Failure. Rejection. Yeah. This weekend I'm going to do a whole lotta thinking. Can't guarantee that I'll come to a solution but, hey, it's worth a shot. F@#in' A.

NOVEMBER 24, 2003 :: 05:42PM

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck, fuck!!! Jammin' to ... feelin'

So yah, I have a paper due tonight. A paper that I have not started. A paper that I WOULD HAVE known about if I had actually read the fucking assignment memo. I also have to finish my section of a group project that's due tomorrow night. The question is, shit out a shitty section for my project along with a shitty paper? Or take my time on my project and sacrifice one point for turning in my paper one day late tomorrow? I think I'll take my time on the team project and then see if I can squeeze out any extra bullshit for my paper and turn it in tonight. Sigh. Kill me. Kill me now..!!

NOVEMBER 24, 2003 :: 04:42PM

98,714,368,445,120 Jammin' to ... feelin'

That's how many thoughts are jumbling through my brain right about now. I'm scrambling to get all these things done before Wednesday. My boss will be gone all next week. That's NOT a good thing. Damn... I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Okay, maybe not that dramatic. But I am stressed out to the max. To add to my stress, my landlord called me today saying that our neighbor below us is complaining. He says that our dog makes too much noise running around the apartment causing him to lose sleep. WTF?!! A fucking game hen is heavier than our dog. Our dog is just under 2½ pounds. He called me in the morning so that made my Monday just that much more "fun." I'm falling a bit behind on one of my group projects for school. Bad..BAD MAE!@! I'm gonna leave work in about half an hour and catch up on my reading. Fuck there needs to be more hours in the day!! :pulls hair out: If only I was a morning person. I'd wake my ass up at 6am every morning, get to work by 7, leave at 4 and have enough time in the evening to finish homework and any other crap I have on my plate. :pulls more hair out:

NOVEMBER 21, 2003 :: 10:55AM

The aftermath. Jammin' to ... feelin'

I hate my birthday. Well, let me explain. I hate it because as soon as I start to enjoy it, it's over. It's just another day but you can't help but feel a bit special, ya know? Special treatment at work is always great. :D Got some stuff from crazy ex-bf: Got the regular phone calls and well wishes. Went out to dinner at the Spaghetti Factory. Now I'm finishing up a piece of my birthday cake - Oreo Cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory. MMM! After work I'm going home, packing, and hitting the road to San Diego. Gonna be a looooong drive, especially since they say it may rain, but I feel like it's a waste of a day if I don't leave till night time. Today I'm just being lazy. I really should work but eh, I'll start on it after I finish this entry. Starting to think about something way too much. There's a new twist to the story and it's actually possible it might have a happy ending. Not holding my breath though.

NOVEMBER 20, 2003 :: 12:32AM

Cross one off the list! Jammin' to ... feelin'

Has something ever boggled your mind so much that you eventually just gave up? I'm talking about small, mundane details here. Not rocket science. Well tonight I was able to solve that piece of shit that's been bugging me for months! Not going to tell you what it is since it's so pointless and stupid. But yeah! I feel good now! Once again, Edmond makes my day. Sweetest guy alive, I'm tellin' ya. Thank you so much! I don't need presents to make me happy anymore. Just random acts of kindness. :) I'm hoping I can sneak off with a half day today. Not likely but you never know. Tonight I'm just gonna have dinner with my sister and then come home and do some homework. Fun huh! I may even be able to squeeze a day off on Friday and head right to San Diego. Haha, now THAT was a joke. But yeah, heading to SD to visit the family this weekend. Should be fun. Time for bed.

NOVEMBER 19, 2003 :: 04:05PM

All I hear is raindrops... Jammin' to ... feelin'

...fallin' on the rooftop. $@#@!! I still have that song in my head. Still not sick of it either. WTF? Another day at work. After work I'm taking my doggy to the vet again for his second set of shots. I hate having places to go after work. I just wanna lie down and watch Will & Grace to wind down from the day. I've already rescheduled this once. I must go. Gawd I love this man....

NOVEMBER 18, 2003 :: 05:40PM

ARGH. Jammin' to ... feelin'

Why can't I say what I mean and mean what I say? :( I'm a lil sad right now. Someone hold me pleez.

NOVEMBER 17, 2003 :: 08:48PM

New RAW FILES entry Jammin' to ... feelin'

Title: I Fucked Up. (e-mail for access.)

NOVEMBER 16, 2003 :: 11:30PM

This layout bores me. Jammin' to ... feelin'

My layouts have become very tame compared to old ones. Unfortunately I only have my old phayze1.com layouts but you can view them here: cybercandy.org/archives. While browsing Version 6, I realized that one of my old ass screen names was listed. HAPPY RAISINS. HAHAHA. Just for shits and gurgles I signed onto it, guessing the password, and it worked! Oh man, I'd forgotten all about my old AOL whoring days. This screen name is damn old, like 4-5 years old. Looks like I'll be using this name from now on.

NOVEMBER 16, 2003 :: 03:45PM

Continuation of the last entry. Jammin' to ... feelin'

Sorry to have cut that short. Someone interrupted me. :D It was a welcome interruption though. Watching Zoolander right now. No matter how many gotdamned times I watch this I still laugh at the corniest of corny parts. Stupid-funny movies are the best. I can probably recite the entire script of this movie, Dumb and Dumber, Tommy Boy and Ace Ventura 1&2. Merman! /girlycoughcry MERMAN!! Finally did some homework today. Yay. Supposed to clean and do some laundry but I'm not really in the mood. I need to relax (don't do it.. when you want to go to it.. relax.. when you wanna cooome. hahaha) today. Baby it's yours...         all yours...      if you want it tonight...           i'll give you the red...          light...             special...    all through the night... gotta go, bye!

NOVEMBER 15, 2003 :: 10:54PM

I can't focus. Jammin' to ... feelin'

I've got a shitload of homework to do. I can't bring myself to get started on it. Did a looooooot of driving today. I'm tired of sitting, yet here I am again sitting in front of the computer. I had fun at the barbecue today though. Some of my friends I haven't seen in almost a year. Hmmm... I'll finish this entry in a little bit.

NOVEMBER 14, 2003 :: 12:04AM

Having an anxiety attack. Jammin' to ... feelin'

An uneasy feeling has been lingering in my stomach for the past few months. I know exactly what it's about. Work. This is what it all comes down to. November, December and January. Will I survive the year or not? Obviously I've gotten through the last two years just fine. But this year was a whole 'nother level. Not so sure I will prevail. We shall see. It's fucking burning holes in my stomach just thinking about it. This is one of those "why am I putting myself through this so early" moments. I'm really disliking life right now. I just wanna go away. Go somewhere and hide from real life. Some place that laundry is never dirty. GAH! I have to do laundry tomorrow. It's pitiful. 9/10 of my hangers are hanging unused. The clothes that once occupied them are now in a huge pile in the corner of my bedroom. It's an eyesore. I can do it tomorrow afterwork and have clothes for my BBQ on Saturday, OR I can just go to the mall afterwork, buy a new outfit and do my laundry on Sunday. Hahaha... I suck. FUCK! I've been sleeping the wrong way or something. A shooting pain runs through my neck when I turn it a certain way. Ack. Alright.. it's time for bed.

NOVEMBER 12, 2003 :: 07:54PM

WTF?!?!?! Jammin' to ... feelin'

Man, this is a weird night for the NBA. Rain in SoCal creating many empty seats in an otherwise full Staples Center. Shaq and Kobe Shaq, Kobe AND Payton missing wide-open easy ass layups. Malone AIRBALLIN' a free throw?!? Oh man. The rim is looking about 2" wide for the Lakers tonight. All in the first half of the first quarter. Against the RAPTORS no less. And what the hell is up with this rain?

NOVEMBER 12, 2003 :: 04:53PM

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. It's cold in here! Jammin' to ... feelin'

There must be some Toros in the atmosphere. Work, work, work. Type, type, type. Last night I spewed over 2000 words of pure bullshit onto MS Word for my paper that's due tonight. There's one reason why it's OK for me to procrastinate. I can finish an assignment in no time as soon as an idea pops into my head. It snowballs from there. Okay, so I guess it's still not good for me to procrastinate. And I guess I should really read those 12 chapters of text that I haven't started on yet. Geezus, is it November already? How the FUCK did it creep up on me so fast. I hate this time of year. I dread it actually. Busiest months of my life when it comes to my job. All the little things I let slip through the cracks over the months will now come back to haunt me in December/January. 2004 has got to be a better year for me. 2001 was a breeze, 2002 was horrendous and 2003 is just futile. Let's hope for the best. Time changes SUCK. It's not even 5pm yet and the sun is already gone. My poor dog has barely ever seen the light of day in his 3 months of living. This weekend is my birthday BBQ (along with my other November baby friends) so he gets to run around the park like the lil spaz he is. That reminds me. My birthday is coming up. I've become oblivious to my own birthdays ever since age 12. That's when I stopped receiving all the good gifts. No one buys me Barbies anymore and that makes me sad. The only thing I have to look forward to getting older is an improved FICO score. C'mooooon upper 700s! I'm comin' to get ya! Boy do I live life at the edge.

NOVEMBER 10, 2003 :: 04:03AM

New RAW FILES entry Jammin' to ... feelin'

Title: So there's this guy... (e-mail for access.)

NOVEMBER 09, 2003 :: 04:54PM

Ah puh puh puh pummmm.. Jammin' to ... feelin'

What makes us do the things we do that keeps me loving you? Imagination! Haha... does that line even make sense? Ahh well. I've been wearing out my Tamia CD for the past week. In case you didn't know the above-referenced song is called Imagination by Tamia. Funniest thing too... my high school buddy Neil IM'd me out of the blue and asked what R&B album I'd listen to forever if I could only have ONE. Damn!! Tough question... but I said "Tamia." He said "THAT'S WHAT I'M LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW!!" Haha.. we rool. Edmond is the sweetest guy ever. Thanks for the offer hun, but of course you know I could never accept. :o) Things have been a bit quiet around here. You can cut the tension in the air with a dull knife. The tension between my sister and me, that is. Oh well, I'm not gonna talk to her unless she talks to me first. She finally needs to learn responsibility! My playlist has now looped back to the Officially Missing You song. It boggles my mind how I am so not tired of this song yet. It looped literally ALL DAY yesterday while I was doing work and homework. My iTunes on my laptop says that I've played it 247 times. Haha.. DAMN! And I've listened to it just as much if not more on my desktop PC. I think it may be because the song is so mellow and the melody is soothing... sigh. Don't know if you ever read this but.. I miss you!

NOVEMBER 08, 2003 :: 10:40AM

#@$@#@!!!!!!!!!! Jammin' to ... feelin'

I am fucking pissed beyond belief right now. For the past couple months I've been pretty good on money. Haven't had to live from paycheck to paycheck. I just paid rent ($1295), my car payment ($400), phone bill ($400) and a $200 charge on my room from the cruise. When I initially did the math I still would have been in the clear before next pay period. I check my account online just now, just on a whim, and BAM. $-32.46 WTF?!?!!?!!!!????? Looks like I miscalculated something along the way. I thought back and wondered why I'm missing so much money. AH HAH! I know WHY! Because my sister hasn't put a fucking penny into anything!!! She's lived here for two months, I have gotten ZERO FUCKING RENT MONEY FROM HER. Last month she said she didn't have the money yet, but she'd pay for our groceries at Costco. Okay, whatever. She keeps piling shit into the cart, and when we get to the checkout counter, the cashier won't accept a check from her because it's my name on the membership card. So of course I fronted the fucking $300 grocery bill. We both wanted a puppy, so I found one. Again she has no fucking money so I pay for the puppy myself, $850. We go to the pet store right after, and who buys all the supplies? Uh yeah, ME. I've paid the last two cable bills and our first phone bill which came out to ~$400. Does she even OFFER to pay half of anything? NO! I held my tongue for a little bit because I know she's going through some financial hell right now. So fast forward to today. My blood pressure shoots through the roof as soon as I see that I'm in the fucking hole. I come out to the living room and ask her "Are you gonna give rent money? I have a negative balance." She looks at me like I just killed her mother, with the dirtiest look, as if I'm being the bitch... "................alright already." !@$#@%$#$%^%$&^@!@!!#$%$#$@#!!!! I'm gonna make a spreadsheet as soon as I'm done typing my rant out. This will outline every single damn thing she owes me, including the 3 or 400 she owes me from last year. I'M SO FUCKING TIRED OF SUPPORTING PEOPLE. This ends NOW.

NOVEMBER 07, 2003 :: 10:50PM

Still can't stop listening to this song. Jammin' to ... feelin'

"cuz this pain I feel, it won't go away..." Alright... I have a confession to make. But I won't make it yet. I'll create a raw entry sometime this weekend and spill my guts. Yes, I know you are all at the edges of your seats. Sick as a dog right now. I'm coughing like crazy, my throat is so sore because of this, and I sound like a man. Bah! Physically I feel fine but I can't go 30 seconds without hacking all over myself and whomever I'm around. I lead a sad, sad life. Haha.. just thought I'd remind you.

NOVEMBER 05, 2003 :: 10:55PM

Ahh. New song. Jammin' to ... feelin'

The Closer I Get To You over and over again i try and tell myself that we could never be more than friends when all the while inside i knew it was real the way you make me feel

NOVEMBER 06, 2003 :: 12:11AM

Themothafuggincounter.com Jammin' to ... feelin'

Once again my counter code makes the entire page disappear. ARGH! I am in the weirdest mood. Like I said earlier I have been listening to this sappy sad song over and over and over and over again. I am lonely, but haven't a clue why. I don't miss anyone. I don't miss having a boyfriend. I'm definitely not alone. But... I can't seem to shake this feeling. You know... I take that back. I feel like my heart is being tugged in a certain direction towards someone or something. I sort of have a clue what it is but I'm really trying not to let it be that. It'd be pretty stupid of me to even think about that. It's ridiculous, impossible and inconvenient. And "it" probably thinks the same of me. WTF?! Shut up Mae! Haha.. and so I continue talking anyway. I started school last week. Did I mention that already? Probably. Anyway, teacher seems cool. Classmates are real nice. I've got to get my General Ed classes out of the way first so I'm pretty bored with the material. Which reminds me... I've got about 6 chapters of reading to do. :o I'm beginning to hate school again... haha, but hey, that's normal right? :) Damn!! The lyrics to the song are creeping back into my head again.... "and today I'm officially missing you..."

NOVEMBER 05, 2003 :: 10:42PM

Hello again. Jammin' to ... feelin'

New layout! I put it together in all of 45 minutes. A little too plain again but I didn't have as much creativity brewing in my pea brain as I had thought. The background is an altered version of a sunset picture I took on my trip. It's purty, ay? Took my doggie to the vet today. Vet says he's healthy and normal. He weighs just a little over 1lb. He will likely grow to 5lbs. He's a little angel and devil all rolled up into 1lb. of dog. I think he's starting to get a bit of cabin fever being home all alone so I'm gonna bring him to work again tomorrow. Damn, I have this Tamia song on repeat. It's so ridiculously pretty. Sad. True. It hits me right in the tummy, right where it counts. Yay, Sex and the City reruns!

NOVEMBER 05, 2003 :: 04:39PM

I'm officially tired of this layout! Jammin' to ... feelin'

... have an idea for a new one. This one is just too damn pink. And it sucks balls on any other browser besides IE. And why the F isn't the background and main image showing up? Grrr.

NOVEMBER 05, 2003 :: 03:47AM

I'm officially missin' you... Jammin' to ... feelin'

Wow... this song is fucking awesome. Officially Missing You Tamia All I hear is raindrops falling on the rooftop Oh baby, tell me why’d you have to go ‘Cause this pain I feel it won’t go away And today I’m officially missin’ you I thought that from this heartache, I could escape But I’ve fronted long enough to know There ain’t no way And today I’m officially missing you Ooh...can’t nobody do it like you Said every little thing you do, hey, baby Said it stays on my mind And I-I’m officially... All I do is lay around, 2 years full of tears From looking at your face all over Just a week ago you were my baby Now I don’t even know you at all I don’t know you at all Well, I wish that you would call me right now So that I could get through to you somehow But I guess it’s safe to say, baby Safe to say that I-I’m officially missin’ you Ooh...can’t nobody do it like you Said every little thing you do, hey, baby Said it stays on my mind And I-I’m officially Well, I thought I could just get over you But I see there’s something I just can’t do From the way you would hold me To the sweet things you told me I just can’t find a way to let go of you Ooh...can’t nobody do it like you Said every little thing you do, hey, baby Said it stays on my mind And I-I’m officially...

NOVEMBER 04, 2003 :: 03:13PM

Back from hell. Jammin' to ... feelin'

Shitty cruise. Shitty vacation. Shitty weekend. Shitty mood. Instead of blabbing on and on about what went wrong, I shall just list them. Rushed through work in the morning even though I was super busy. Left at 11am. The rest of my gotdamned family wasn't even ready until 2pm later that day. While checking in, they gave me a hard time about not having a current Alien ID card. Well, it's still valid but I didn't know I was supposed to renew it at age 14. Almost wasn't able to even board the damn ship. Board the ship, head to cabins. Relatives fighting over who rooms with whom. Pain in the fucking ass! Making it more complicated than it should be. Cabins are literally as big as jail cells with two bottom bunks and two not very sturdy looking top bunks. I get my period. I have all of 2 pads "just in case." All the ship had were tampons and all I had were non-pad friendly underwear. Not comfortable!! Crampy!! And couldn't even rest because my cousin and his fucking girlfriend hogged the cabin either fighting or sleeping the whole damn time. We dock at Ensenada. Family quarrels for a lil bit trying to decide what to do. We decide to get on a shuttle to La Bufadora (the famous blow hole). So we do that... shuttle bus blows a tire while going up a fucking canyon. Finally get to our destination. Walk up and down browsing the lil shops. Realize that I dropped my boarding pass somewhere. Ship will NOT let me back in without it. FUCK!! So I wait by the shuttle for the driver to come back and see if I dropped it in there. No sign of him. I sit and wait for an hour.. feel something on my leg.. a fucking HUGE cockroach!! Driver finally comes, I find my boarding pass. Sunday, I'm hoping to relax all day. NOPE! Cramps are on full blast. Monday morning, I get my bill. Cousin's girlfriend charged up all these damn drinks onto our room (which was under my credit card). Whole family is scatterbrains trying to get organized to leave the damn ship. Cousins who did not wake up when they were supposed to are complaining about not getting to eat. SHUT UP!! Finally get to exit the boat. Harrassed again by Immigration. ARGH! I need to file for citizenship. :( Alright well, that's all I can think of for now.

[Archive Index] [Main Index]

Powered By Greymatter