October 2002

OCTOBER 31, 2002 :: 09:46AM

Turns out... Jammin' to ... feelin'

I didn't do either last night. *shrugs*

OCTOBER 30, 2002 :: 07:38PM

I can do one of two things right now. Jammin' to ... feelin'

1) Clean my room 2) Work on a new layout Decisions, decisions...

OCTOBER 29, 2002 :: 12:02PM

Longest 6 hours ever. Jammin' to ... feelin'

I feel like I have been sitting here for 12 hours when in fact it has only been 3. It pains me to think I must continue sitting here for another ¼ of a day. My window was open last night and temperatures have been low lately, so waking up freezing with my bladder screaming at me was not fun. Why is it that no matter how long I sleep the night before, I always wake up so tired and spend half the day yawning every 5 seconds. Caffeine does me no good so there goes that idea. FUCK. I need more energy.

OCTOBER 28, 2002 :: 09:47PM

I feel great. Jammin' to ... feelin'

I didn't leave the office until 7:30PM. I was on the phone with Rob from around 5:30PM until I left. It was great. We had sort of a follow-up conversation to our weekend together. We tied up loose ends, had a couple laughs and had a really nice, open conversation. I have a good feeling about this... I just might be genuinely happy about life once again :o)

OCTOBER 28, 2002 :: 04:58PM

Getting sicker. Jammin' to ... feelin'

My cold seems to be going away but I'm feeling ill..er. Iller? Is that a word? I want to get out of here (office) but I don't want to go home, yet all I want is some rest. 65 minutes to go.

OCTOBER 28, 2002 :: 01:27AM

Emotional purgatory. Jammin' to ... feelin'

Had a strong feeling I'd end up here. I feel a bit lost. I used to know exactly how I felt -- bitter, angry and depressed. Now I am half content and half depressed, it's confusing the hell out of my heart and brain. During the day I have come to terms with our intimate relationship being over. All this time I kept holding onto little things, trying to keep our relationship alive. After Florida, I was able to see first hand exactly how he felt which allowed me to let go almost completely. Then there are moments, like right now, where I go back to feeling helpless again. Maybe not helpless, but quite a bit sad. It's after midnight, I should be sleeping, but all I can think about is him. Yeah, reeeal shocker right? Perhaps late night is the universal time for heartache to creep out of the closet and stab you right in the heart. It's not really the boyfriend he once was that I miss, it's the friend. I miss that friendship so much.

OCTOBER 25, 2002 :: 05:31PM

You talkin' to me.....? Jammin' to ... feelin'

Or my little friend? Sorry the picture is so horrible. I wanted a bit of mystery to it so I posed like a fool and made the contrast and brightness all funky.

OCTOBER 25, 2002 :: 09:41AM

TMFGIF! Jammin' to ... feelin'

I really shouldn't complain though, afterall I did only have a 2-day work week. In a few hours whenever the Airborne delivery guy comes, I should be getting the last piece of my costume. Screw you, screw you screw you, order department at Fredericks.com. Remember how I mentioned I should have gotten the last piece LAST THURSDAY?! Well, the retards over there somehow screwed it all up, saying my address doesn't match my credit card. YOU STUPID FUCKS. I wouldn't even have known if I didn't call them to say HELLO WHERE'S MY ORDER. They said they called but there was no answer. NOT POSSIBLE. THE VOICEMAIL WOULD HAVE PICKED UP, but YOU DID NOT LEAVE A MESSAGE AND YOU ALSO COULD HAVE EMAILED ME. I have a costume party to go to tomorrow, and if I didn't get my shit together because of their fucking incompetency I would have been one angry bitch. There's a reason I paid 25 fucking dollars for overnight delivery. Anyway, hopefully it will all be resolved today. Yeee heee can't wait. I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE WEEKEND!

OCTOBER 24, 2002 :: 01:09PM

First day back in the office. Jammin' to ... feelin'

I'm feeling a lot better than last night. I enjoyed 8 hours of blissful sleep last night; something I haven't had in a long time. I took over my aunt's bed while she is out of the country and it is SO damn comfortable. She also has one of those shaper pillows that match the shape of your head. Bomb diggity. I need to get me one of those. Today I'm wearing a blouse that my mother bought me. It looked a lot cuter when I was trying it on in the dark last night. I look like a sauteed bellpepper. At least it matches my hair. So let's talk about my overall experience in Orlando, home of boybands and barbie girl singers, Mickey Mouse, killer whales and the Magic. I must have been in the conservative part of Orlando because everywhere I went there was someone whispering to their buddy about my hair, or coming up to me complementing my hair. Sheesh... it's just red streaks. Not like I have a mohawk or anything. The weather was humid, even at night. I made the mistake of bringing only the shoes on my feet, heels, so walking around large airports and around town was quite uncomfy. I brought $180 in cash with me, and when I checked my purse yesterday I had $11 left. Guhhh. Airport gift shops are EVIL! If I don't move to Japan next year I'll probably visit again. Lunch is here, bye!

OCTOBER 23, 2002 :: 08:27PM

I must be depressed. Jammin' to ... feelin'

I had a drink last night (I was the only one, while everyone else bowled), and I'm drinking right now. *burp* I must really be depressed.

OCTOBER 23, 2002 :: 11:48AM

How do you tell the one you love goodbye for good? Jammin' to ... feelin'

....or even know if you should? And how do you say the words you thought you never could? It's a song by After 7. Go download it. I'm sad. Straight to the point, I'm sad. But the good thing is, I do feel a lot better now than I did before my trip. My mind drowned in unanswered questions and I was certain he had stopped caring about me. Not the case at all. Monday night, our last night together, he turned back into that sweet, caring person I once fell in love with. He held me while I cried in his arms. 2am rolled around and I knew he had to go home. He lives 20 miles from my hotel and he had work early the next morning. I kissed my son goodbye and Rob leaned over to give me a kiss as well. We walked to the door and we hugged for a couple minutes. He asked me to keep in touch, but I said no. It was one of the saddest moments of my life.

OCTOBER 23, 2002 :: 12:51AM

:*( Jammin' to ... feelin'

I miss you like crazy.

OCTOBER 20, 2002 :: 10:07PM

New RAW FILES entry Jammin' to ... feelin'

Title: I must be the weakest bitch on Earth. (e-mail for access.)

OCTOBER 20, 2002 :: 06:17AM

Feeling much better Jammin' to ... feelin'

Once again I fall into this black hole known as the ex-boyfriend. After a not-so-great morning, he came over and we had a nice dinner. I played with my son and he showed me what a good dad he's been. He left this morning at around 8. I'm going to catch up on some sleep, chill out and have some lunch. He'll be back around 6 and we're going to watch a movie.... this is supposed to be my closure. I can't fall back in love... please, no.

OCTOBER 19, 2002 :: 03:11PM

New RAW FILES entry Jammin' to ... feelin'

Title: Perhaps I deserve this. (e-mail for access.)

OCTOBER 16, 2002 :: 11:05PM

The saddest song in the world. Jammin' to ... feelin'

Any human being who was born with emotions can think of one particular song that no matter how many times they hear it, it still hits you deep inside. For me, there's a few of them. Ex-factor by Lauryn Hill, the song playing as I type this. "I keep letting you back in... how can I explain myself? As painful as this thing has been, I just can't be with no one else. See I know what we've got to do... you let go and I'll let go too. Cuz no one's hurt me more than you, and no one ever will..." Ouch. That verse turns my stomach everytime. It's amazing how someone can write lyrics that interpret someone's feelings so well. Sometimes all a person needs is a song that represents their feelings... it makes you feel you're not alone in this sick, sad world.

OCTOBER 15, 2002 :: 05:09PM

My halloween costume Jammin' to ... feelin'

I ordered the parts to my costume from various online stores and by chance they all arrived today. Woot woot. Well, with the exception of one instrumental piece which I only ordered today anyway. I hope to receive it on Thursday. What am I going to be? Look for an updated cam image soon. :o) Three days until my trip. I hope to accomplish a few things with my company's partner in Orlando and also closure on my relationship with Rob. If you have the chance to read the lyrics I posted previous to this entry, that is exactly what is going through my mind. Wish me luck. 55 minutes until freedom. I just want to go home. My day has been action packed with projects. I'm exhausted. Time to lounge around for the rest of the day.... bye.

OCTOBER 13, 2002 :: 11:29PM

One last time... Jammin' to ... feelin'

One last time just to see you One last time to maybe hold you in my arms To feel the warm and tender moments That we shared One last time One last chance to see your face God, I'm never good at this Goodbyes are always hard to say But then there is no other way For you and I can never be And we both know it But how can I just throw away The things we had Wish I could say that what we had never existed But I knew it from the very start Though I thought somehow it might work out Guess the cycle never really fails When you fall in love You'd end up with a broken heart One last time just to see you One more time though it got so bad inside I have to find the guts to say goodbye One last kiss as if a kiss could ease the pain You know I'll love you for always And in my heart you will remain But it's time to go our separate ways For you and I can never be And we both know it But how can I just throw away the things we had Wish I could say that what we had never existed But I knew it from the very start Though I thought somehow it might work out Guess the cycle never fails When you fall in love You'd end up with a broken heart One last time though it got so bad inside I have to find the guts to say goodbye One last time you know I'll love you for always But I have to say goodbye One last time...

OCTOBER 10, 2002 :: 10:29AM

Hmmm, what a coincidence Jammin' to ... feelin'

Looks like Hot Import Nights is in Orlando on the 19th, which is when I'll be there. Not like I'm going to go though, but I thought that was a weird coincidence. Last night on a hunch I checked the status of my hotel reservation and they DON'T EVEN FUCKING HAVE IT ON FILE!! GRRHH!! If I didn't check it, I'd be on the other side of the fucking country with no lodging. It makes me mad because I locked in a cheap ass rate a few months ago, and now it's not even on file. I found a better hotel near the airport and the Florida Mall (woot woot!) with all my required room amenities anyway (just internet access). 1 more week!! And I'll be leeeeavviinnn... on a jet plane. Since I know pretty much everything there is to know about the show, I am thinking about creating a Sex And The City fan/informational site. Omg, how corny right? But it'll be fun! I want to be the ultimate source for SATC fans. Oh geez, let me go start my Yahoo! club now :rolls eyes:

OCTOBER 08, 2002 :: 10:16AM

I'm scared of my heart. Jammin' to ... feelin'

I'm scared of what my heart will do to me. At times I find it diffucult to breathe; the pressure travels upwards and my eyes well up with tears. If I saw a doctor he'd diagnose me with a broken heart. Little by little it disintegrates until it is nothing but a small balloon inflating and deflating inside my chest, hollow. It's been 8 months and 27 days since the last time I saw him. In 10 days I will see him again for the last time ever in my life. I am almost dreading it because I know that as soon as I get back on the plane to LA, the remnants of our relationship will disappear completely and I will be empty. Since the time I was in Florida in January until recently, I was able to get by knowing that he does still care and maybe there was a chance he'd allow me to love him again. With only a few days before I see him again, it is becoming more and more clear that what I've hoped and prayed for is never going to come true; this trip to Florida will act as our official closure and the book of Mae & Rob will be closed forever. Actually... that is not what I am afraid of. I am afraid of being stuck in emotional purgatory...

OCTOBER 07, 2002 :: 11:02AM

Baby Fever. Jammin' to ... feelin'

My temperature is 286.9º on the Baby Fever thermometer. I don't understand it. Everytime I see a baby I want to grab it and run off into the sunset or some shit. I'm perfectly aware that I am not ready for a child, do not have time for a child after work and school, can hardly take care of myself let alone another human being and uhhh I also do not have the sperm necessary to conceive a child. I just need to visit my niece and nephews a little more, have them convince me that I do not want children. They're good at that. I did not do jack shit this weekend. Oh, well, besides watching a movie Friday night with my sister. We watched Sweet Home Alabama, which was a cute movie. My sister tried to convince me to sneak into another movie afterwards but I wasn't havin' it. Damn hooligans. I watched the Yankees lose yesterday for a little while. On one hand I was happy for my friends who are die hard Angel fans and on the other I was a little uneasy thinking about Rob falling into an even worse mood than he's already been in. He's a big Yankee fan. But you know what... he doesn't care about me so why should I care about him. I guess I should go back to work now.

OCTOBER 04, 2002 :: 03:28PM

Work news. Jammin' to ... feelin'

Had a meeting with my two bosses today. Looks like I'm getting a raise. YEEEHAWW.

OCTOBER 03, 2002 :: 04:15PM

That's right baby. Jammin' to ... feelin'

What American Idol Are You?

OCTOBER 03, 2002 :: 02:32PM

New RAW FILES entry Jammin' to ... feelin'

Title: I think I'm going to hell. (e-mail for access.)

OCTOBER 02, 2002 :: 11:13PM

Progress is being made. Jammin' to ... feelin'

After a week and a half of not talking, I called Rob today. Wow, what a surprise, he actually picked up the phone. Actual length of the phone call was about 15 minutes but talking time was maybe a grand total of 4 minutes. *rolls eyes* I am so used to being dicked around that it doesn't even really phase me anymore. I felt like I could sit in silence on the phone for 5 hours and him not even notice anything was going on. I'll be seeing him in 2 weeks but, honestly, I am not even excited. Good news, I suppose. I'm finally moving on. Will I fall back into the trap all over again? Possibly. Do I want to? Hell no. There is nothing I want more in the world than to completely move on from this mess that I've let myself get into. My focus has shifted to a new and highly unattainable person. :p Hey, it's always fun to imagine, right?

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