August 2004
AUGUST 31, 2004 :: 11:31PM New RAW FILES entry
Jammin' to music that surely won't help my mood... feelin' exhausted.Title: New word of the day: broken.
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AUGUST 30, 2004 :: 10:07PM New RAW FILES entry
Jammin' to nothing at all.... feelin' like I'm losing grip.Title: Silent.
Silent is the word that best describes my world over the past couple weeks. At first it was bearable. Then it became annoying. Now it is just deafening and it's driving me mad... more
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AUGUST 27, 2004 :: 03:42PM If you feel like listening...
Jammin' to more sappy slow songs... on my iPOD!! Yey!... feelin' ready for the weekend.Man, I had forgotten how useful iPods were. I had a first generation iPod a while back but sold it when I was broke as a joke. This current gen is so much nicer, and very small. Fits easily in my back pocket; I don't even feel it back there. But then again my back pocket does have a lot of padding. Hm. It's shorter than my Motorola v600 [incl. the antenna], slimmer, and about half an inch wider.
So I put together this playlist last night and I've been listening to it alllll day at work. I've loved these songs forever, but today they take on a special meaning. The lyrics, while still sappy and corny as ever, seem to jump out at me today. Sooooo... here they are.
I Miss You So Much
by TLC
I never asked for this feeling
I never thought I would fall
I never knew how I felt
Till the day you were gone... I was lost
I never asked for red roses
I wasn't looking for love
Somehow I let my emotions take hold
And guess what... all at once... I'm in love
I miss you so much
I long for your love
It's scares me cuz my heart gets so weak
That I can't even breathe
How can you take things so easily?
Baby why aren't you missing me?
Why did I act like you mattered
It was silly of me to believe
That if I just opened my heart
Things would come naturally... joke's on me
I did not ask for love letters
So why did you give them to me
How could I let your intentions get over on me
So in love... so naive
I miss you so much
I long for your love
It's scares me cuz my heart gets so weak
That I can't even breathe
How can you take things so easily?
Baby why aren't you missing me?
How I hate what you have done
Made me fall so deep in love...
God knows you're the only one I want... that I love
I miss you so much
I long for your love
It's scares me cuz my heart gets so weak
That I can't even breathe
How can you take things so easily?
Baby why aren't you missing me?
+++
My Heart Can't Take Much More
by Changing Faces
Did I ever hurt you intentionally
Did I ever mean to make this love stay
Didn't know how fragile love could be
Or just how easy it brakes
Don't be so cruel, baby we can work it out
Like all the other times before
Why don't you turn around, don't throw it all away
Believe me we've got something worth fighting for
Baby don't leave... leave me this way
I've been hurt once before
And my heart can't take much more
Baby please stay... let's find a way
Don't you walk out that door
Cause my heart can't take much more
This is just crazy, all the changes we go through
And all this confusion (with no communication)
I want you baby and nobody else
Cause my heart is grievin' over you
How can I break through this wall of silence
Your taleless eyes are telling me we're through
I'll do anything that you want me to
Just talk to me, tell me what I need to do
But baby don't leave
Baby don't leave... leave me this way
I've been hurt once before
And my heart can't take much more
Baby please stay... let's find a way
Don't you walk out that door
Cause my heart can't take much more
I've got no pride... I've got nothing left to hide
Cause you made up your own mind
I never dreamed that things could get this bad now
Look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't love me
Cause I know, baby I've got no business
Livin' in this world without you in it, no way
I'm down on my knees beggin' you please stay
Baby don't leave... leave me this way
I've been hurt once before
And my heart can't take much more
Baby please stay... let's find a way
Don't you walk out that door
Cause my heart can't take much more
+++
Officially Missin' You
by Tamia
All I hear is raindrops falling on the rooftop
Oh baby, tell me why'd you have to go
Cause this pain I feel it won't go away
And today I'm officially missin' you
I thought that from this heartache, I could escape
But I've fronted long enough to know
There ain’t no way
And today I'm officially missin' you
Ooh...can't nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do, hey baby
Said it stays on my mind
And I... I'm officially...
All I do is lay around, 2 years full of tears
From looking at your face on the wall
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don't even know you at all
I don't know you at all
Well, I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it's safe to say, baby
Safe to say that I... I'm officially missin' you
Ooh...can't nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do, hey baby
Said it stays on my mind
And I... I'm officially...
Well, I thought I could just get over you
But I see that's something I just can't do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can't find a way to let go of you
Ooh...can't nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do, hey baby
Said it stays on my mind
And I... I'm officially...
AUGUST 27, 2004 :: 02:46AM Never thought I'd be back here again.
Jammin' to Heaven by DJ Sammy... feelin' refreshed.It's been a while since I've been able to report to you all from headquarters - my comfy bed. I bought a new laptop today. Not just any laptop, a 12" PowerBook G4. That's right, I'm a switch hitter yet again. I went from PC to Mac to PC to Mac again. So why the switch? First and foremost, I wanted my portability back. Second, my bedroom is sup3r small compared to my last apartment, so my furniture is really crowded in here. My computer and desk are an eyesore. I need them both out. Third, I went back to Apple because I'm familiar with it, I like the built-in bluetooth and firewire port, wireless connectivity is pie, and it comes in a cute little 4.5lb. case. Fourth, the student discount was INSANE. And I mean insane. I got $200 off the laptop, and the sales guy convinced me to get an iPod at $30 off instantly with a $200 mail-in rebate. ROCK. Now I just have to figure out how to get the songs I iPod-exported from my desktop imported into my laptop. Is that even possible? I sure hope so. By no means do I have tons of music, but 800+ songs at 5GB will not be fun to burn on multiple discs.
Anyway, it's now 2:46AM and I should get some shut eye. It's a shame, I've been doing so well with my sleeping habits the past week and a half. Can't go back to insomniac mode!!!
AUGUST 25, 2004 :: 09:39PM Pieces of me.
Jammin' to ^^^ by Ashlee Simpson... feelin' a little bit better.Teeny bopper moment.
I really don't know exactly why, but I like the song "Pieces of Me" by Ashlee Simpson. Sure, I find a lot of pop songs catchy, but I'll actually stop and listen to this song until it ends whenever it comes on. Huh, weirdness. You know what else? I like her voice better than horse-face Jessica's. It's cute and peppy.
Moving on... I switched one of my other domains over to a new host. My stupidass didn't back up my mySQL database first, and now that my domain is pointing to the new space, I can't access my old control panel. Currently awaiting on a response from the old webhost as to what my domain's IP addy was.
I'm sitting here typing this listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack now. My sister is bugging me, laying on my bed and belting out "Part of Your World" for all our neighbors to hear. If I can hear my neighbors casually talking outside, then they sure as hell can hear my sister. How. Embarrassing. I want to slap her right about now. She's not even singing the correct lyrics!! GRRR.
That is all bye.
AUGUST 24, 2004 :: 10:58PM New RAW FILES entry
Jammin' to Aladdin Soundtrack [don't ask.]... feelin' sleeeeeepy.Title: This is what I asked for.
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AUGUST 24, 2004 :: 12:30AM What the eff... weird weather.
Jammin' to Rock The Bells by LL Cool J... feelin' stuffed.Today was productive. I went grocery shopping with my sister and bought a decent amount of real food [I tend to buy a lot of snacks] for $95 after the Ralph's club discount and a couple coupons. The food should last me two or three weeks. I have no idea if that's good or not. If you haven't noticed, I'm not much of a cook and I eat out 5 out of 7 days a week. That's a really bad habit I am trying to break.
I don't think the sun came out at all today. It was perfect weather - tad overcast but not too gloomy. Nice chilly breeze but not freezing. I'm watching the news and they don't expect this breath of fresh air to last, though. Gawd I hate LA summers.
I'll probably do a raw entry sometime tomorrow if I get any downtime at work. Man, it's amazing how clean my desk is now that I'm actually being sup3r productive. Believe it or not, I ran out of things to do today. Dry. My "to do" tray was empty. Unbelievable. I was even able to redo an entire system, and go over one of our existing systems with a fine-tooth comb to catch any mistakes. Good thing I did, because I caught a handful. Who knew this whole "working" thing could be so rewarding.
I must go, for Oliver is whimpering and I'm a sucker for those big brown puppy dog eyes. Man, I hope to have ugly babies [knocks on wood] or else I'd let my kids get away with anything.
AUGUST 22, 2004 :: 01:31PM Another temporary layout.
Jammin' to Diary by Alicia Keys & Tony! Toni! Toné!... feelin' relaxed.Happy Sunday... and welcome to the temporary layout. Although I really liked the design, I got sick of all the unnecessary crap on the previous layout. I have absolutely zero creative energy, and really, what's the point anyway? I'm not trying to win awards or anything. Does anyone remember back in the day when I'd have a new layout every week? Sometimes every three or four days. WTF was wrong with me. My layout whore days are over.
So it's 1:30PM and I have a lot planned for today. When I say "a lot" that means a bunch of DVDs to watch and rearranging my bedroom furniture. Trust me, that's a busy Sunday for me. I'm so busy today, I may not even shower. Yea!
AUGUST 21, 2004 :: 12:31AM Happy weekend.
Jammin' to Jocelyn Enriquez... feelin' somber.I'm listening to Mae's current stream. I just read her latest entry and for some reason it put me in this melancholy mood. I wish her and her family the best...
Work has been crazycrazycrazy. We let one person go and another person quit all in the same week. Normally our turnover rate is very low. It's a little bit weird in the office, but nothing unbearable. I like my job again, and that's really important. As of late my job is my life [well... it is how I make a living, so it computes.] and if something isn't right with it, then I get really thrown off.
Yesterday was Oliver's birthday!! He's all growns up now - 1 year old. In the morning we are going to the groomer to get clipped and all washed up. His hair is getting so long that I can't even see his collar. Tonight we celebrated his birthday by serving him dinner fit for a king; a nice big, juicy Omaha steak. I love my doggie.
I had this really sick dream last night. [Weird, since I signed off last night with "perchance to dream...".] Sick and twisted. Cruel. It was a cold winter evening; the heater was keeping us warm. I was lying on his bed in a bevy of crumpled papers and books watching the Food Network. He was on the computer slaving away on this big project he's been working on. He's got his smart-person glasses on instead of his contacts. Starting to stress out a little so he paces around the apartment. I can't help but snicker because I find it kinda cute. Finally he finishes up, crawls into the warm bed with me, turns the Food Network off, wraps his long arms around my body and nuzzles his face in my hair... eventually falling asleep.
Sick and twisted? Because that's the way it should be, yet for some reason it isn't.
AUGUST 20, 2004 :: 01:15AM 'Bout damn time!!
Jammin' to nothing... feelin' uhm, nothing.So my webhost finally decides to not be poopy anymore. Almost two full days of downtime. Call me a brat but that shit ain't acceptable. GRR. I really want to update but I'm so tired. Oh and congratulations to Jenn, you made the right decision!! Happy birthday, too!
Tomorrow I plan on registering for Fall classes at LA Valley College. Fuck man, $26 a unit!! I've got 8 units planned but knowing me I'll drop the second "for fun" class and keep the work-related one. For the one I know I'm keeping, have to decide whether I want to do a night class again or do Saturday morning classes. My schedule now is taking its toll on me, and it'll give me an excuse to wake up at a decent hour and see daylight on Saturdays. Yeah baby, voluntary Saturday school. What is the world coming to.
Alright, big update tomorrow and possibly a raw entry. For now I must sleep... perchance to dream... of... you.
AUGUST 15, 2004 :: 02:12AM Lean, mean, laundering machine.
Jammin' to Alicia Keys... feelin' fresh.WOO HOO. Any normal or sane person wouldn't be as proud of themself as I am at this very moment. I finally faced my nemesis one-on-one, mano y mano. The battle lasted a grueling eight hours (!!) and I'm only half finished with my enemy. I kept the Olympics on the TV throughout the day to keep me motivated. Because, if these people can swim 400 metres in less than 5 minutes, and hold a maltese for 2 seconds on the still rings, then by golly I can finish my fucking laundry.
Yes... eight hours of laundry. Eight hours, and the sick part is, like I mentioned above, I'm only half finished. But that eight hours went by like nothing. I had mind-rotting TV and my rowdy nephews around to pass the time. The warm shower I just took, and the fresh sheets on my bed, are more than enough of a reward for all my hard work today.
BTW, yes I'm totally milking this damn If I Ain't Got U song. All I need is a P. Diddy "thought I told you that we won't stop" version and I'll have a complete set.
OK, back to a real subject. Let's talk about the Olympics. I love the Olympics!! If only for the chills I get seeing the excitement and pride in young athletes' [particularly from the US, of course] eyes after they've just won a gold medal. My favorite has to be men's and women's gymnastics, though. However today a Russian was on the parallel bars, slipped a little and dislocated a finger. I saw his middle or ring finger sticking up, bent all the way backwards, and almost yacked. Now I am forever scarred and can never watch parallel bars again.
Alright, alright. The bed is calling my name.
AUGUST 11, 2004 :: 11:41PM It's so funny I forgot to laugh.
Jammin' to Run DMC... feelin' still nothing.From now on, whenever something is slightly feeling right in life, I will NEVER ever write about it again. Just like clockwork, the very next day things fall apart. Maybe if I keep my fucking mouth shut, shit won't hit the fan anymore. I apologize ahead of time for the angry-girl blog you'll probably have to live with for the rest of my online being.
I have to take my sister to work tomorrow AGAIN. I fucking moved one block away from my office so I would never have to fucking deal with Los Angeles traffic, and here I am driving her ass to West Los Angeles, during the busiest time on the busiest fucking freeway. Why, you ask? Because her piece of shit cursed car is out of commission again. You know, I wouldn't be so angry about being volunteered to chauffuer her around. She's just NOT my favorite person right now. She failed to deposit the rent money that she owed me into my account, so what happened? BAM BAM BAM BAM, a whopping $220 in overdraft fees because of her fucking ass. Then she makes it out to be my own fault. CUNT. All she fucking cares about is this guy who has been stringing her along for the past year, who will NEVER commit to her. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Anyway... I feel like crawling into a dark, cold hole. I said so many things I shouldn't have. I made myself so unbelievably vulnerable. I chewed up, swallowed and digested my pride. I heard some things I expected to hear and some things I wanted to hear, but why doesn't it feel right? My mind changes every minute about what I should do. I guess I'm just looking for the easy way out - I want the decision to be made for me.
Fuckitall.
AUGUST 10, 2004 :: 10:41PM Told you so...
Jammin' to nothing... feelin' NOTHING.Life likes to throw me curve balls.
AUGUST 10, 2004 :: 12:15AM The bitch is back indeed.
Jammin' to Klymaxx... feelin' excited.Welcome back, Hoe Bag. My links list over to the right was getting a tad pathetic; most all of them don't even exist anymore.
I'm surprised I'm still awake. Last night I think I was so anxious [for lack of a better word] about returning to the office that I couldn't sleep a wink. 3am... okay, maybe I can get a solid five hours of sleep. 4am... hmm, four hours ain't so bad either. 5am... fuggit!! I better not fall asleep now or else I ain't waking up till 2pm. At 6am, against my better judgement, I laid down on my pillow and only meant to close my eyes for five minutes. Five minutes turned into two hours and I was forced to scramble out of bed. Oh man. Worst. vertigo. ever.
Tomorrow I have to drop off my car at the shop at the ass crack of dawn, so I should really be catching up on my ZzzZZs. But of course I cannot seem to pry my fingers off of the keyboard. I also can't stop drinking iced tea. I'm going to be pissing all night.
Work was... surreal. Tons of "welcome back Mae!"'s. Felt like people were walking on egg shells around me. From the looks of it, management is working itself out so I don't think I really need to have that talk with the Execs anymore. WHEW. I am soo not good at talking about how I feel. Talking about it and typing it on a webpage are totally different things. I told one of my bosses I wanted to change my title to "Assistant Controller" and he said it sounds good. Then he said "So I take it you're not leaving us? Thank God." I don't think I'll tell them about my 1, 3 & 5 year goals anytime soon.
*gasp* Iron Chef Michiba announced his retirement!! NOOOOO!!! What's the point of living now??
AUGUST 06, 2004 :: 12:35AM I need a time machine.
Jammin' to sappy Tagalog songs... feelin' broken.My life now is the complete opposite of what it was two weeks ago. I must have missed a step somewhere and threw off the matrix or something. [Sorry for the random Matrix reference. I've never even seen the last two and barely remember the first. So, Matrix people, don't crucify me if I used the reference incorrectly. Moving on...] I never thought, in a million years, I'd go from loving my job to hating it in a matter of days. What the fuck happened? Seriously, did it really just get that bad or am I overreacting? Am I PMSing?
I'm supposed to be thinking about whether I want to leave or stay but I can't focus. On one hand I'm dreading putting myself back up on the market like a slightly used slab of meat. On the other hand, I'm dreading going back to work and attempting to get anything done without getting distracted by the inevitable tension lingering in the air. So which is the lesser of the two evils? Start over and risk being miserable in the big corporate world? Or stick it out and never know if I could have been happier elsewhere? Fuck man.
I gotta make a decision soon. Either way it's going to be at least a month before I can start looking for a new job. It would take at the very LEAST that long to train someone to do the crap I do. Oy vey.
I need a new layout. This layout has always been weird to me. Like, a macho Porsche 911 surrounded by girly fonts and colors. That's what I'll do tomorrow. Work on a new layout. Stay tuned!
AUGUST 03, 2004 :: 10:48PM Things just keep getting better.
Jammin' to same sappy ass music... feelin' I dunno anymore.A day in the life of Mae just wouldn't be complete without yet another mood swing. Only this time around, I don't know exactly where I am. After the last high/low I have no idea where I've landed. Somewhere in between bitter and sad. Or, maybe just a mixture of bitter, sad, heartbroken and angry. I must say I'm not surprised I ended up here. After all, who said I'm ever allowed to be happy?
Holy shit, new readers are probably thinking "what the fuck, this chick has issues" :clickstoanothersite:. Don't worry, you're only seeing one side of me. The side that can't properly express emotion anywhere else besides a stupid webpage. If you know me in person you'd probably know that I can pull off the I-don't-give-a-damn front pretty well. Even my boss said that the only irritating thing about me was my lack of emotion. Heh. Little does he know...
Things at work are bad. I find it funny, because not 3 or 4 entries ago I was just bragging about how I've got this career/job for as long as I want it. Well, I don't want it anymore. I hate what I do. I hate where I live. I'm starting to hate who I work with. And I don't use the word "hate" too often. I took today and tomorrow off to clear my head and figure out if this is the path I want to continue on. And yeah, it helps that my bosses are shakin' in their boots wondering if I'm gonna quit or not. Hell, I might just take the rest of the week off because gosh darnit, I deserve it.
Hmmm... what to do on my day off tomorrow...
AUGUST 01, 2004 :: 11:59PM Current playlist.
Jammin' to sappy ass music... feelin' sedated.Lyric snippets from my current playlist...
"...it seems colder lately at night. and i try to sleep with the lights on. everytime the phone rings, i pray to god it's you. i just can't believe that we're through..."
I Miss You by Boyz II Men [Klymaxx remake]
"...i don't wanna be lonely... i don't want to see a day without you... i don't want nobody else in your arms... don't want nobody holding you. i don't want to be lonely... i don't want nobody laughing with you... i don't want nobody else in your heart... i don't want nobody loving you..."
I Don't Wanna Be Lonely by Az Yet
"...i like to play the queen of hearts and never thought I'd lose. i rolled the dice but never showed my hand. i planned it out so perfectly so you'd never leave a girl like me. i was a fool, but now i understand..."
One More Chance by Madonna
"...for you and i can never be and we both know it. but how can i just throw away the things we had? wish i could say that what we had never existed. but i knew it from the very start. though i thought somehow it might work out. guess the cycle never really fails when you fall in love... you end up with a broken heart..."
One Last Time by Sharon Cuneta
"...if i were you i wouldn't be here. if i were you i would stay right where you are. i wouldn't come near this broken heart, just turn around and leave here. and find someone who won't hurt you... make sure that she still believes in love, cuz i think my heart has given up. if i were you i wouldn't be here..."
If I Were You by Tamia
"...today i felt a pain inside my heart, thought of leaving you had crossed my mind. if i've been deceiving you, it's all because i'm blind. cuz i care for you more than you know, although my heart says... how do you tell the one you love goodbye for good? or even know if you should? and how do you say the words you thought you never could?"
How Do You Tell The One by After 7
Pardon me while I wallow in self pity.
AUGUST 01, 2004 :: 02:53AM New RAW FILES entry
Jammin' to I Miss You... feelin' sad.Title: Untitled.
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