June 2005
JUNE 29, 2005 :: 02:42AM Can't sleep.
Jammin' to ... feelin'Of course, as soon as I commit to staying up all night and writing an entry about it, my eyelids start to feel heavy. Guess I'll write it anyway.
Today was the big naturalization day. All in all the process took about two hours, with actual interviewing and testing time taking all of 15 minutes. The rest of the time was spent waiting in a big room with other citizen hopefuls, running around downtown San Diego trying to get my passport photos taken, and renting a locker to put my camera and cell phone in (not allowed in the building apparently). Unfortunately I didn't get a same day oath ceremony, so I have to come back to San Diego AGAIN on July 7th. I pledge my allegience to the US, get a little mini flag and I'm officially a citizen. First thing I'm going to do as a citizen? Get the F outta the country and travel. Haha.
Is 3-4 days too early for the big "relationship" question to rear its ugly head? Yeah, that's what I thought too. I was talking to The Dude last night and kind of out of nowhere, he asked "so, what are you looking for with us... like, where is this going?" Uhh... hmm, well.. I think it's important to be friends first, and then whatever happens beyond that, we'll see. "Oh, yeah, that's what I think too." Haha... well goodie.
Oh, almost forgot. I finally heard back from Rob's sister today. I emailed her a couple weeks ago asking for an update on Rob. For those who don't know, Rob is the ex-fiance who was in a really bad, paralyzing, brain-damaging accident last year. She said he doesn't know about the accident, is still slowly gaining back memories, but is still very book smart. That's my Robbie. He does well in his wheel chair, and can walk a few steps using the rail when he's not being stubborn. Again, that's Robbie for ya. She also said he still carries Roscoe around everywhere... Roscoe is a teddy bear I gave Rob for Valentine's day 3 years ago. He was our "son", and we kinda took the pretend-time to the next level. I'm amazed that after all this time, and after memory loss, Roscoe still means something to him. It also breaks my heart.
JUNE 25, 2005 :: 10:44PM Interesting evening.
Jammin' to ... feelin'Last night, my sister and I watched Bewitched. I thought it was a cute movie and had a few hilarious parts. There was a scene with Will Ferrell trying to recite a line about his dog that would've had me rolling on the floor laughing if it were sanitary.
The Dude called me while I was in the theatre so we got together afterwards. By the way, I've decided on The Dude as his nickname because he is obsessed with The Big Lebowski. Anyway, it's been a long time since I've just talked, and talked, and talked to someone until 5:30 in the morning. There's something so extraordinarily cliche and romantic-teen-comedy about laying around, talking until the sun comes up, but also fucking cool at the same time.
I took Oliver and Charlotte to the vet this morning. Oliver's been limping since my godson was here, but the doc didn't find anything wrong with him. He's probably just being dramatic. Gotdamn attention whore. Charlotte was well overdue for her vaccinations, so I had the poor thing poked with three needles in her back, sprayed in the nose and raped in da butt with a thermometer. She's going back in a month to have some baby teeth extracted and get spayed. She's actually in heat right now. Oliver won't stop trying to mount her. While it's quite humorous, it's also disturbing.
The rest of the day was pretty relaxing. Gonna give The Dude a quick call and then hopefully fall asleep by 11:30.
JUNE 23, 2005 :: 09:36PM Hooray for Horry!
Jammin' to ... feelin'Even though it's not with the Lakers, I am happy that Horry got another ring. He's definitely worked hard and deserves it.
I moved into my new office on Monday. After three years of sharing my space I'm finally back in my own office again. The air conditioning actually works, perfect timing since it's summer. My old office was a fuggin' sauna. Now that I have all this privacy I'm getting more work done, and I'm even staying late. I've been at work until after 7:30 every day this week. I like it though, there's nobody around to bother me. This evening I had game 7 on the radio while I slaved away over our books. The best part is, there's no traffic when I leave. Well, there's no such thing as "no traffic" in LA, but at least I can actually shift out of first gear.
Sooo I met somebody. I'm not interested in anything heavy right now but he's fun to be around, and that's good enough for me. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship... ;)
JUNE 20, 2005 :: 12:25AM It's been a long week.
Jammin' to ... feelin'In the last two weeks, I've only gone to the office 5 days. Sounds nice, right? Not really; everything I've done outside of work has been twice as draining and difficult than my day job. I need a vacation from my vacation. Instead, back to work AND school tomorrow. I haven't gone to the gym since Nanay died either, so I need to get back into that routine pronto.
The ceremony went as expected. The song we sang went well, I was a tad nervous though. When it was over, the rows were ushered forward one by one to pay their last respects before exiting the chapel. My Nanay's sister was at the casket while I was a few people behind in the line, and she was pretty hysterical. She was sobbing and started to yell a bunch of things in Tagalog in total agony. The sobs of everyone else subsequently grew louder. My fingers trembled as I buttoned my cardigan, but again, I did not cry. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm cold, or don't care enough. This is just the way I am sometimes. Sometimes my body knows how much something is going to hurt, so it protects itself.
I'm a little worried about my grandfather's well-being. He JUST moved into an assisted senior care home, and my Nanay was supposed to move in as well except she got sick and went into the hospital. She never came home... and now my grandfather lives without any family (they both used to live with my uncle), no wife. He was already depressed enough before. Luckily the staff at the home is very caring and treats him like he is family. I'm gonna have to make it a habit to visit him more often.
Anyway, after the burial, we all went to this Chinese buffet place. Buffets are a waste of money for me, since I hardly even finish one plate. The place was packed and it was quite annoying with all the little 4 year olds running around. After that, it was family party time at my aunt's house. She has one of those karaoke mics that have songs programmed in it. My aunts and uncles (I participated alittle too of course) were singing ALL FREAKING NIGHT. Poor neighbors.
Since today (Sunday) was Father's Day and pretty much the entire side of my Nanay's family was in town, we had a big ol' shindig. We played more cards and I FINALLY won two games of pusoy dos. I was getting a little worried after going like 0 for 40. As much as they annoy me sometimes, I am really grateful for our family being so close-knit. The party killer was the revelation that a distant family friend's 6 year old brat had lice. This, after playing all day with my nephews, rolling around on my aunt's bed, and just being generally annoying. We all went home and immediately burned our clothing.
And I'm beat. Family overdose!! I miss my Nanay...
By the way, thank you to everyone who has kept me and my family in their thoughts. I know there's not much one can do to help in a situation like this, and I never understood why people said this until now - a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" goes a long, long way. I appreciate the emails and phone calls so much. Thank you.
JUNE 18, 2005 :: 12:17AM The day that was too long and too short at the same time.
Jammin' to ... feelin'I woke up this morning wondering how on earth we were going to fill a 12-hour day at the funeral home. How many hands do I have to shake and cheeks do I have to kiss? How many long lost relatives will I have to dig deep through my childhood vault to remember? How many times do I have to dodge weeping women to avoid having an emotional breakdown? Crying is contagious, you know.
The morning was fairly quiet. It was only immediate family and a few friends that popped in to drop off flowers. My cousins and I did what we do best - played countless games of pusoy dos. Didn't win a single game, pretty sad. I read some of my book and ended up falling asleep for an hour. Played more pusoy dos and greeted visitors as they arrived.
I also spent a good amount of time on the shitter. I don't know what I ate that gave me so much gas, but it was BAD. I'd sit on the toilet and start farting, hardly shitting. Of course the 8 year old in me couldn't help but giggle with every *poot*. Thank goodness the bathrooms were clean.
By 6PM we had a full house. We prayed the rosary and opened the podium to anyone who wanted to speak. My Nanay's sister was the first to go up. She was crying so hard, it was really hard to take. My 11-year-old niece lowered her head on my shoulder and started crying. Everyone else started to cry. I wanted to cry, and I knew I had the ability to, but for some [still unknown] reason I fought it.
At 8:45 the funeral home staff told us that only immediate family should be in the room so we can say our final goodbyes. The day that I felt was going to take forever, I suddenly didn't want to end anymore. I couldn't believe that that was the absolute last time I was ever going to see her face again. The ceremony tomorrow will be closed-casket.
My sister and I are going to sing a tagalog song during the ceremony. I can't sing for shit when I'm verklempt, so I'll probably have to close my eyes the entire time. If I so much as spot anyone who is crying, I won't be able to sing. Gonna need some luck on that one.
Alright, I'm fucking tired. Good night.
JUNE 16, 2005 :: 10:14AM Musical Break
Jammin' to ... feelin'I'm So Ronery by Drunk David
JUNE 13, 2005 :: 03:17PM New RAW FILES entry
Jammin' to ... feelin'Title: Dave's right.
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JUNE 12, 2005 :: 01:24AM Crazy Busy
Jammin' to ... feelin'Who knew death could be so time consuming.
Sorry, forget I made that joke. Joking about death - bad Mae. Why do I always do that? Make a joke out of everyfriggin' thing. I'm surprised anyone ever takes me seriously. But I digress...
My grandmother's funeral is not until next Saturday morning. Her viewing is on Thursday from 5-9PM and Friday from 9AM-9PM. That's a lot of viewing. The grandchildren are taking over the food for guests during the viewing days. It's kind of annoying how some of my cousins are making things harder than they have to be. But shit, I don't care. I'll let them deal with the unnecessary headache, and I'll stick to my job of buying plates, napkins, cups and utensils.
On one hand it's good that the funeral is on Saturday so all of our relatives from all over have time to fly or drive in to attend. On the other, it feels so far away. I'm pretty sure all of us just want her to rest in peace right now and we can all start the healing process already. Although one small part of me wishes to prolong this week, because if we don't have to bury her we can pretend she's not really dead. We can pretend that I'm being a bad granddaughter again, not visiting her anymore as often as I should.
Due to my lack of exterior emotion, my cousins nominated me to write and deliver the eugoogoly [/zoolander]. Not that they think I'm this profound prose master, I'm just the only one who won't break out the water works mid-sentence. So much pressure. At least I only have to talk for a minute.
Ok enough funeral talk for now...
I had to babysit my God son this afternoon. I'd like to thank him for confirming that I do not want to have children. I'm just not cut out for it. I like my quiet time, and with children, there is just no guarantee that you will ever have it until they've gone away for college. At least with my dogs, if they get yappy I can throw them in the backyard for an hour. Can't really do that with an infant. I'd probably plug my baby's nose while it slept just to see it jerk. I'm evil. And I'm one of the most impatient people on the planet. Evil.
To pass the time, my God son and I played cards. Memory and Go Fish. He was being bratty so I showed no mercy. I didn't give a fuck that it was a 6 year old's ass that I was whoopin' in Go Fish. He became less bratty and loud as he lost so I kept on keepin' on. I almost made him cry. Evil, told you.
I'm gonna get back to my book now [did I mention, I'm now reading books?]. At first it served as a cure to keep my mind from wandering whilst trying to get to bed, but now I actually enjoy it. I used to be quite a bookworm until the internet happened to me. God damn internet, the root of all evil.
JUNE 09, 2005 :: 04:06AM Rest in peace, Nanay.
Jammin' to ... feelin'When I saw my mother this past weekend, she said she was coming back to LA this coming weekend and taking the bus or train. I wanted to go to San Diego this weekend anyway, so I called her this morning and told her I'd pick her up, and she could take the train back to San Diego. She said, no, it's ok. She won't come this weekend because Nanay (my grandmother) is getting healthier. She's even awake and acknowledging people. Her dialysis went well and they are going to lower her respirator level.
At around 9PM this evening, I was on the phone with David and my sister's boyfriend kept calling. About an hour later, the call waiting beeped again and I was not even going to answer it. Then I decided to just get rid of him (thinking it was her bf) real quick and come back to the line.
Except it wasn't him, it was my aunt. "Wala na si Nanay. She's gone."
While I was running to my sister's room to tell her, she was already on the phone with my mother, hysterical. I told her to get it together for 5 seconds and get dressed so we could leave for the hospital. The hospital is all the way in Covina (45 miles east) so it took us an hour to get there. We stormed through the hospital doors, didn't bother to sign in, ran straight for the ICU. My cousin was by her bedside bawling, and my sister started bawling as well. I tried my hardest to keep my composure but a few tears managed to escape. I felt everyone's pain just by looking at their faces.
A few minutes later, my other cousins showed up with my grandfather. We wheeled him into her room and he still had no idea what was going on. He looked at her lifeless body, looked at us, and asked "when is she going to wake up?" We told him she wasn't going to, and he started to cry. I fought the tears back so fucking hard. I don't know why I did, there wasn't anyone there I had to prove how "tough" I am to.
2:30AM rolled around and the man from the mortuary came to get her. Her funeral will probably be next Tuesday or Wednesday.
I wish someone would've chopped my leg off instead of this.
JUNE 07, 2005 :: 04:54PM New RAW FILES Entry
Jammin' to ... feelin'Title: Hooray!
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JUNE 06, 2005 :: 09:01AM Not quite a dismembered leg but...
Jammin' to ... feelin'... almost as bad.
I got a ticket on the way to work this morning!!!
Man, I reeeally pissed someone off.
JUNE 05, 2005 :: 11:06PM I sort of know what's going on now.
Jammin' to ... feelin'We spent a few hours at the hospital today. After a lot of back and forth I was finally able to put some puzzle pieces together, but I'm still a little unclear as to what's going on with my grandmother. The whole reason she was admitted in the first place was because she came down with pneumonia. She's been on the respirator ever since, but they have been slowly weaning her off of it so they can perform the tracheotomy. I guess there are levels of support on the respirator; she was at 12, then 10, and now 8. This was very good progress, but now her kidney is starting to fail.
Before they can operate they have to do the dialysis. The doctor asked us how we wanted to handle it if her heart were to fail during the procedure. Before we had all the information my cousin was forcing information down my throat, making it seem like our parents (aunts and uncles) wanted to pull the plug immediately if there were complications. My aunt also chimed in, defending their decisions, saying that it would be better to do that, since my grandma is old and it would cause her to suffer. The cousins were divided. The crying females wanted to keep her on the respirator while the calm cousins (myself included) agreed that we didn't want to put her through that suffering.
Later on, the nurse came by and explained exactly what our options were:
A) Do not resuscitate her at all should complications happen.
B) Attempt to revive her, but if the doctor's prognosis is that she will remain in a vegetative or comatose state, to remove life support
C) Terry Schiavo
All this time we're thinking that the aunts/uncles were wanting option A. It turns out we all (the aunts/uncles and us cousins) want the same thing - to try resuscitating her once. So at least we're all in agreement on that. Now that I think about it I should've asked what the chances were that she'd have heart failure, but considering the decision-making process, the chances seem to be pretty high.
Afterwards we all went to visit my grandfather in his new nursing home. He doesn't know what's going on. The aunts/uncles are afraid of telling him since he's not quite healthy either. We know that he wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep, and would constantly worry about her. On the other hand, if the worst did happen to my grandmother, we'd hate to have to break the news just like that, without preparing him a little at least.
Thank god it's Sunday night. I get to submerge myself in work for the next five days and pretend that life is just as it is - fine and dandy. Until next weekend, where I'm spending day and night at the hospital again.
JUNE 05, 2005 :: 12:55AM As soon as one's fixed, another breaks.
Jammin' to ... feelin'Since I've successfully overcome every obstacle that has been brought upon me this year so far, life feels the need to continually challenge me. First, my annual angina, aka my company's yearly financial audit, came and went but not without frequent bouts of anxiety and high blood.
Second, a stressful housing situation which caused a rift between me and my sister. I also lost quite a bit of money because of some bad decisions I made. Very, very shitty period. I even had to take a day off work to get myself together. Everything worked out and I'm happy where I am living now.
Third, another ton of bricks happened to fall on my chest in April. I definitely wasn't prepared for it so I kinda laid there underneath the rubble for a couple weeks trying to understand it all. With the help of a friend and some past brick-removing experience, I'm back on my feet and brushing the dirt off my shoulders.
A whole 30 seconds later, I'm stepping off the curb and get hit by a bus. Not literally. I have a habit of using way too many analogies. Anyway, new obstacle. As I mentioned previously, my grandmother is in the hospital. When I wrote that last entry, I did not know how serious her condition was. My grandparents are old and go in and out of the hospital all the time; we're used to it. This time it's different.
This time, she cannot breathe on her own and is on a respirator. They may have to perform a tracheotomy, but there are some complications with her kidney or something like that. Don't ask me how a kidney is related to the windpipe, that's just the bits and pieces of info I took from my mother. We were forced to make a decision. My mom, aunts and uncles decided not to keep her on life support much longer if a tracheotomy is not possible and she doesn't start breathing on her own. We're going to the hospital tomorrow to further discuss this.
I'm not as close to my grandparents as I used to be, but that doesn't make it any easier. You can never prepare yourself enough for these things I guess. It hasn't sunk in yet - the fact that in as little as a week I may not have my Nanay anymore. When my mother was giving me the update, all my childhood memories started to flash through my mind. Then my self-defense mechanism kicked in and my heart suddenly shut down. Right now I don't feel much of anything. However tomorrow, when I'm sitting by my grandma's hospital bed talking to a respirator, I don't now how well my shut-down technique will work.
What next, is someone gonna come by and chop off my leg in a month?
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