June 2003

JUNE 30, 2003 :: 05:07PM

My blood is boiling. Jammin' to ... feelin'

I can literally feel my blood boiling underneath my flesh. I am as pissed off as can be right now. I'm fucking tired of people acting like they're doing me a fucking favor when in reality it is ME doing them the favor. I don't ask much from people, but when I do it's not because of a bullshit reason, it's because I fucking need it done. If you can't fucking do it, then why tell me you can? Don't wait until the last minute, tell me you couldn't follow through, and then act like you are a saint for half-trying. Throw me a fuckin bone here.

JUNE 30, 2003 :: 12:31PM

Anticipation.. Jammin' to ... feelin'

Something is seriously wrong with you when your whole day revolves around how he's going to make you feel that particular day. But I don't care. Something's always wrong with me. And in this case, I love it.

JUNE 29, 2003 :: 03:32PM

LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. Jammin' to ... feelin'

I swear to gebeezus, if my fucking house phone, cell phone or work phone rings ONE MORE GAWD DAMN TIME TODAY I will throw myself into the LA river and smack my head on the cement hopes of immediate death (the LA river has no water). My aunt sold my fucking computer to her fucking friends months ago, and they are now just trying to install DSL on it, and since they fucking can't figure any fucking thing out, of course my aunt has to fucking wake me up and nag me about it before I even have a chance to take my fucking morning piss. I explained that it's an old PC and there is no network card, therefore you cannot install DSL. They fucking get all crazy and say that it's broken when it's fuckin not even broken. Just fuckin use dial-up, it's not like you're gonna be downloading shit. Then, my other aunt has been fucking calling me the whole fucking weekend, bugging the shit out of me to do her fuckin' ass a favor. First she calls my house, then she fucking calls my cell phone. She's done that at least ten times this weekend. GET A FUCKING CLUE. I'M IGNORING YOU. She and the rest of my rude extended family have the access code to open my garage, so I was gritting my teeth, waiting for them to just stop by unexpectedly and let themselves in without even fucking bothering to knock first and see if we're home. I would've fuckin yelled my head off at her, I don't give a FUCK if it's disrespectful. She is basically breaking into my house and THAT is disrespectful. Because of her I am at work right now completing that favor for her. I'm just gonna drop the shit off at her doorstep, and leave it there. I don't feel like fucking seeing her. My cell phone rings and it's my brother. I call him back and all he wants to tell me is to call mom. So I call mom, and all she wants to fucking tell me is to call my aunt. WTF?!?!?!?!! My aunt is that desperate that she fuckin has to call my mother and tell her to tell me to call her?!?! Geeezus Christ. I am on the ledge right now and one more ring will send me leaping. I SO cannot FUCKING wait to move.

JUNE 24, 2003 :: 08:27PM

And now... the end is near... Jammin' to ... feelin'

Well I've closed deals on a lot of the parts on my car. It's kind of hard to part with these things but I gotta face it, I can't live my life around a car anymore. Someone is coming to buy my wheels on Friday, and I'm pretty sure I'm selling my seats this Saturday. I'm shipping off my wing and pieces of my kit this week, and my coilovers are going soon as well. :sigh: Well, it's off to bigger (literally) and better things, I hope. Cheers to you, my old friend.

JUNE 23, 2003 :: 11:24AM

I made a decision. Jammin' to ... feelin'

And it's the right one. Thanks to my friends who talked some sense into me. I'm stripping the car down to stock form (or whatever I can stomach.. because the stock form is very ugly to me), and keeping it for at least until the end of the year. I just wish my brain had a lock on it like my Mac does, where I can't make changes anymore to certain settings.

JUNE 23, 2003 :: 09:32AM

I couldn't sleep for shit last night. Jammin' to ... feelin'

I was sleepy as all hell but for the life of me I could not get my eyes to close and my body to shut down. I literally tossed and turned until roughly 4:00AM. What was I thinking about? Cars. The whole damn night. Should I pay out the wazoo for this brand new one? Should I spend a little bit on this cheap and old but sexy one? Should I keep my car for now and focus on my new apartment? Should I pay for this one with high ass mileage but has thousands worth of upgrades? Well, finally I've decided to axe two of the choices and now I'm just debating the other two. Keep my car for now and focus on the apartment, or pay out the wazoo for this certain brand new one. Let's hope I make the right decision.

JUNE 20, 2003 :: 10:58AM

My mothafrackin' tooth. Jammin' to ... feelin'

My left, bottom row molar is bugging me again. I thought the problem was taken care of but it's coming back to haunt me. I guess it's my fault; I keep bothering it with my tongue. I can't help it. I gotta do laundry and pack this weekend. Wee.

JUNE 19, 2003 :: 11:29AM

Powdered doughnuts are great. Jammin' to ... feelin'

If only the powder didn't get all over the fucking place and made you look like a dirty crack head. I went down to the vending machine in search of coffee and a granola bar. I put my change in, hit H-3 for my daily French vanilla coffee, turned to the snack machine and to my delight, they stocked powdered doughnuts. YUM! I carefully put in my change hoping not to lose any coins or else I'd have to run back upstairs to get more. Through the twisty spiral and down the chute it goes! Yay, breakfast time.

JUNE 18, 2003 :: 02:25PM

I hate waiting. Jammin' to ... feelin'

I called the property manager today to confirm again, just in case. He said yes, everything is good to go. They're depositing my security deposit and it's now nonrefundable. I just have to wait until the chick moves out at the end of the month. Damnit! That means another couple days of them fixing up the apartment, repainting, cleaning etc. I probably won't get to move in until July 12th since I'll be in Vegas with the family on the long weekend. Argh. :(

JUNE 18, 2003 :: 09:50AM

Me tired me sleepy me want go home. Jammin' to ... feelin'

The concert was frickin' great. I don't care how borderline-crackhead she is, Christina Aguilera was fuckin' awesome last night. She performed first, then Justin came out. To tell you the truth I sat down for most of Justin's stuff. I don't know his songs too well so I wasn't feelin' it. The highlight of the evening, however, was the celebrity sightings. We had center floor seats, right next to the sound booth where TOMMY LEE and PAM ANDERSON were sitting enjoying the concert. I shit you not, it was them, together. Well, of course they could've been just going as friends. Then, during Christina's "Fighter" song, DAVE NAVARRO formerly of Jane's Addiction and Red Hot Chili Peppers came out to play guitar!! Woot woot. He is damn hot. Later, my sister pointed out that USHER was also sitting near the sound booth. Man what a night. :yawn: Yesterday morning the property manager of my new apartment called to tell me everything looks good and that I got the apartment. Now it's just a waiting game. I was in no rush to move out but now that I've found this awesome place I want the keys NOW. Probably won't get them until July 1 though. Bah humbug. Since I moved into my current house my aunt sold a bunch of my shit, which at the time didn't bother me so much, now pisses me off. She sold my extra TV (had sentimental value, first thing I ever, ever bought with my first paycheck ever), she literally took my mattress right from under me (long story), she made a deal with the new owner of the condo she sold that would give them my refrigerator, she sold my sofa and sofa chair.. GUHH!! I'm getting heated just thinking about it. Oh well, time for all new stuffs. So I'm going to need to buy these major items... Refrigerator Sofa Sofa chair Computer desk Dining table I will probably steal my parents' extra TV to put in my bedroom. Then I'd also need to steal the TV stand. Hehe... man, I just remembered how much I love living alone. I have the final say, PERIOD.

JUNE 17, 2003 :: 04:03PM

Absent-minded Mae. Jammin' to ... feelin'

I am so forgetful lately. The months of June and July always seem to blend together and I never remember which weekends I have plans and which ones I don't. I know three things for sure, Vegas for my dad's birthday on July 3rd-6th, my grandparents' anniversary party on July 20th and my company's seminar on the July 24th-26th. Then I'll be moving to the new apartment so that will probably fall on the weekend of the 12th. I am not planning anything on the rest of the weekends because I don't even know if I'm going to be busy or not. So let me make a mental note: so far I'm technically free for the next two weekends. But since I don't want to put myself in the horrible mess I was in the last time I moved, I'm going to designate those as packing and laundry days. Woop! I've been staring at the same project for the last 2 hours. I'm not done with it, because I'm missing one piece of information. Nevertheless I really don't feel like starting anything else so I'm just keeping it open so I look busy. Bah. I can't believe it's only 4:00PM. Err, my coworker just waved a conspicuous "goodbye" to me. He usually never goes out of his way to say bye to me when he's leaving for the day. Interesting.

JUNE 17, 2003 :: 10:52AM

Weee, got it. Jammin' to ... feelin'

I got the place. He called my references, checked my credit, verified my income, now all I have to do is sign on the dotted line. Sweet.

JUNE 16, 2003 :: 05:41PM

The quest continues. Jammin' to ... feelin'

During my brother's graduation celebration dinner with my family at The Old Spaghetti Factory, I got a voicemail on my cell phone from the landlord of the apartment I fell in love with. "Hi Mae, it's [bleep]. I wanted to let you know that I did rent the apartment to a woman who was willing to pay more because she loved it so much. You were my first choice though. I wish you luck in finding an apartment and I'm sure you will easily." Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Money makes the world go round I guess. Either that, or she just wanted to make me feel better by bullshitting me an excuse. No worries though, because I looked at another apartment today on the same street that's even nicer. The outside is not great to look at but the interior is all brand new while still retaining that cute, vintage apartment look. It is also a 2bed/1bath, and it's cheaper as well. The property manager was thuper nice; he's holding the apartment for me until I get him the credit check fee and security deposit tomorrow. I'm pretty darn sure my credit is fine by their standards, but you never know with some people. It's two blocks from my office, but they're two loooong blocks. If I get the place I'll try to walk to work at least every Friday since it's casual day. Tomorrow I'm going with my sister, cousins and brother to the Justified/Stripped concert. Also going to Lollapalooza in August. I don't know what it is, but I'm never really excited about going to concerts. I've gone to quite a few and loved them, but the days leading up to them I wasn't that anxious like I usually am with other things. So I'm just blah right now. I'm more concerned with finding out if I get the apartment than going to the concert. I can't wait to move... I need a change.

JUNE 16, 2003 :: 01:59PM

I want to kick her... Jammin' to ... feelin'

kick her down onto the ground. Dig my heels into the digits on her fingers. Sit on her face and take a dump. Pull that nasty, ratty, bottle-colored hair out of her huge round freckle-faced head. Then I'll kick her dog.

JUNE 10, 2003 :: 08:40PM

So I sort of saw the apartment. Jammin' to ... feelin'

I met with the owner after work and she is really nice. Unfortunately, she misplaced the key to the unit so she could only give me a tour of the outside. The exterior of the complex is so cute. She's going to call me tomorrow when she's at the place so I can see inside. I'm so excited!! I really hope this works out. It would cut my commute by 7 miles, seeing as though it's walking distance to work. Wish me luck!!

JUNE 10, 2003 :: 05:37PM

Quest for an apartment Jammin' to ... feelin'

I'm going to check out a very promising unit after work. It's a block away from my office and looks like it'll be really cute. It's a 2 bedroom 1 bath that I can afford on my own if I have to, or at least until my sister is ready to move out in September. Let's just hope it's got a clean bathroom and my credit gets approved. Landlords tend to just look at whether you have any late payments (of which I have zero), but you never know sometimes. Damnit, day, end already! I dyed my hair brown last night and to my delight it did not turn green like I thought it would. I have so much chemical crap in my hair right now, I was afraid of what some tint and peroxide would do to it. My highlights still show through the brown so it looks neat0. Feels nice to look normal again. This Friday is my brother's high school graduation. The sister and I are taking off Friday to take part in the festivities. My dad always enjoys these family gatherings since they've become so few since I moved out. I'm a daddy's girl so he's really not keen on me living in an entirely different city. I keep glancing at the clock every thirty seconds as if it's going to make 6:00PM come any faster.

JUNE 09, 2003 :: 12:04PM

Seasons change.. priorities change. Jammin' to ... feelin'

After selling all my spare car parts I should have a few thousand dollars to put in my savings account. This extra money was supposed to be put towards my new project car, but now it's going towards a new apartment. I currently share a house with my sister and aunt. As much as I love my house, living with my aunt is like living with an evil stepmother. I feel like I'm a child with a mortgage. She'll tattle tale to my mother about the things I do, she'll yell at me for not telling her when I'm not going to be home, and she'll hot blooded if I don't feel like eating whatever food she has. WTF? I'm not 12! I'm 21! And though there are still many immature 21, 22, 23, 24 year olds out there, I'M NOT ONE OF THEM. I pay my own bills, I work a 50 hour/week job. I make my own decisions and I should be able to have my freedom. Cars are not my number one priority anymore. It should never have been in the first place... I've wasted so much money on this stupid hobby and I'm trying to make a change NOW. The only thing I have to decide now is Sherman Oaks or West LA.

JUNE 06, 2003 :: 11:08AM

These fucking dreams.. Jammin' to ... feelin'

Won't fucking leave me alone!!! Stop with the dreams!!! Stop damnit, stop!!!!!11

JUNE 05, 2003 :: 10:08AM

New RAW FILES entry Jammin' to ... feelin'

Title: Wow... these dreams I've been having... (e-mail for access.)

JUNE 05, 2003 :: 09:48AM

Yack. Jammin' to ... feelin'

I desperately need to do a raw entry. I'll probably do it.. right.. now..!

JUNE 04, 2003 :: 03:50PM

$#%^@!(&%&$@@! Jammin' to ... feelin'

^^^ That's my brain right now. I went home during lunch today so I could load all the parts I'm selling into my trunk. I had to get the turbo off of the manifold, and it's a greasy ass turbo and manifold, so I stripped down to my skivvies (didn't want to get grease all over my clothes of course!) and brought out my trusty wrenches and socket set. Two nuts came off easy but the other two were hiding behind the compressor and turbine housings so it was a PITA to get off. Then I took the oil return line off of the turbo and oil spilled all over the floor. UGH. My hands were sore and black. I went upstairs to greet my lil boy and decided I'd take him to work with me. He is staring at me type right now like he is bored out of his mind. But he's happy he got to ride in mommie's batmobile. My period is over but it seems like I'm having post-menstrual syndrome. I've been snapping at everyone today and I feel bloated. Yech.

JUNE 01, 2003 :: 12:46AM

Was it wrong of me... Jammin' to ... feelin'

... to have wanted to puke in the middle of my boss's wedding ceremony? Well, I literally felt sick to my stomach. Let me start from the beginning. I have this boss, his name is Cory. He's the CEO of the company I work for. When I first started at my job I was basically his administrative assistant. He relied on me for everything and he made me feel really important. I love him like a big brother, but there was definitely that crushing-on-your-boss thing going on. He gave me that tingly feeling inside everytime he'd gaze into my eyes and smile. He told me many times that I shouldn't have a boyfriend because "no one deserves me." Errr, I don't know if that was a compliment or not but probably. He was that guy that you lusted for because you knew you could never really have him. Anywhoo, he had this on again off again girlfriend for a while. To tell you the truth she bugged the shit out of me. She was clingy, needy, whiny and it affected my work because she'd waste my time to get him out of a meeting to take phone calls from her. Sounds evil of me, but I was quite happy when they broke up for a while. He went off to Boston for a couple months to help open our corporate gyms while they were broken up. When he came back (December), they got back together and suddenly (and immediately..??) she was PREGNANT. Even he acknowledges that there is a possibility it is not his baby, but he says he'll love it just the same. Valentine's Day they get engaged. Wow... I really never thought he'd pop the question. After his first failed marriage I'd really thought he'd remain a bachelor the rest of his life. But hey, it's just a question. Nothing's set in stone yet so there's still a chance for him to change his mind. Saturday afternoon (today) rolls around and my sister and I attend their engagement party. It's held in the huge fancy backyard of a huge fancy house. The guest list comprised of mostly upper white class. The guestbook attendant looked at me suspiciously as she checked for my name on the guestlist. We walk around and I mingle with my coworkers for a while. A couple hours into the party a man comes on the microphone asking everyone to gather around. Cory comes out with his mother walking towards the make shift altar, followed by his fiancee wearing a white gown walking down the make shift aisle. My jaw dropped. Surprise, it's a fucking wedding. Begin nausea. Enter... sadness. Continue.... loneliness.

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