April 2003
APRIL 29, 2003 :: 01:50PM 13 Months
Jammin' to ... feelin'It's been 13 months and he still consumes me. It's been 13 months and I still consider him mine. It's been 13 months and he's still who I dream about. It's been 13 months and the void he left in my heart still remains. It's been 13 months and that void still fights off intruders. It's been 13 months and my broken heart still waits for the other half to come home. It's been 13 months and I still feel bitter. It's been 13 months and the pain still lingers. It's been 13 months and I don't think I'll ever quite understand. It's been 13 months and I still wonder if he wonders about me. It's been 13 months and I fear there will be 13 months more.
APRIL 28, 2003 :: 01:31PM I will never wax my car again.
Jammin' to ... feelin'It's a pain in the fucking ass I tell you. I thought setting aside 2 hours would be enough to clay bar and wax the car but boy was I wrong. I can feel the pain in my shoulders right now from trying to wipe the wax off. I made the mistake of waxing the whole car before going back and wiping the dried wax off. It got real crusty and seemed impossible to remove. Next time around I'm either gonna force someone to help me, or I'm gonna wax and wipe the first half then second half.
Last night we celebrated my friend Kevin's birthday at Godfathers bar/lounge/club in Chino. They played pretty good music but the drinks might as well have been spiked prom punch. Nevertheless I was still drunk. Some time after midnight I was pooped and sat at the table for a long while. For some reason I started reminiscing about certain things and started to get really depressed. Depressed to the point of almost crying. I used to have those episodes often... but lately only once in a great while. But each time it comes, it still hits me as hard as the first time. My wounds feel fresh.
We stayed at my friends house that night and I didn't get home till 3pm today, took a quick shower and went into work. I wasn't in on Thursday or Friday so I thought I'd better get some shit done before boss man comes back from vacation tomorrow.
I didn't watch the Laker game today, and in turn they won the game. Hah! Just confirms I am bad luck. I'm also happy that the Suns, Blazers, Celtics and Magic won this weekend. This is quite an interesting playoff round.
Hmmm... feeling emotional again. I think I may have to cry myself to sleep tonight just to get it out of my system.
APRIL 25, 2003 :: 03:35PM I don't wanna close my eyes.
Jammin' to ... feelin'I'm tired. I have work early tomorrow morning. I can easily fall asleep right now if I wanted to but I can't bring myself to close my eyes. I start my sentences with "I" too much. Well why the hell shouldn't I, it's my damn journal isn't it. Haha. That was random.
APRIL 25, 2003 :: 01:58PM My throat hurts
Jammin' to ... feelin'For the past hour I've been screaming at the TV watching the Laker game. I always tell myself not to watch, because whenever I do they choke. Well I couldn't help it! I'm pretty sure I blew a few blood vessels. My head hurts and the surrounding parts around my face are aching from all the frustration. See, this is why it's hard to watch Laker games for me. It consumes me and I get all high blood and shit. The Lakers got their fucking homecourt advantage in Game 1, now they have to fucking earn it back in Game 5. I swear to Geezus if they lose the next game, I'm divorcing Kobe for being a FUCKING IDIOT for missing YET ANOTHER CLUTCH FREE THROW. In almost every down-to-the-wire game I've seen, he's always fucked it up somehow beyond the charity stripe. Gah. I wish I didn't like basketball.
Anywhoo.
Friday tomorrow. I've got so much shit to do I'm already dreading going to work. I could take the day off if I wanted to but there's no way... I gotta do all this stuff before my boss gets back from vacation on Monday. I'm also taking next Friday off for my road trip, so I gotta work as much as possible before my vacation next month.
Frickinfrackinlakersshitdamnfuckinshit.
Haven't spoken to Rob in a week. I don't miss him. I'm extremely angry with him. On the verge of hating him. I'm disappointed with him as a person. Oh, who am I kidding. I still miss that fucker. But not enough to want to talk to him.
... time to drown myself in pity.
APRIL 24, 2003 :: 03:06PM Painkillers are the shit.
Jammin' to ... feelin'To supress my tooth ache pain the past couple days I've popped a couple painkillers each day and they work freakin' great. I highly recomment Aleve and the green Advil gel pills. I hope when I see the dentist that they drug me up real good cuz I don't want to feel ANY pain.
In less than a month I will be taking my annual week-long vacation. As usual I will be traveling alone to relax all by myself in a place 2,500 miles from home. I do plan to spend all seven days by myself. Catching up with myself. That's what I need right now... quality alone time.
Haha, funny thing about my Mac. When I hit the volume up or down button it makes a queef/fart noise. Like, "bloop!"
APRIL 23, 2003 :: 02:02AM $10,599.84
Jammin' to ... feelin'.... how much I've dumped into my car so far. Unfuckinbelievable. Why, oh why, must I have such a meaningless and expensive hobby.
APRIL 22, 2003 :: 11:21AM I'm in a New York state of mind...
Jammin' to ... feelin'^^^ good song by Billy Joel.
I had a weird Monday morning at work. I completely spaced out this morning. We had our monthly Monday meeting this morning at 10 and I completely forgot. I was totally unprepared. Didn't even bring any notes or even the agenda to the meeting. I was also 5 minutes late. Doh. Good thing I was able to think up my department report in my head before it was my turn. Ahhh in the clear.
Watching American Convict Idol right now. Josh Gracin, give it the fuck up! You were a backstreet boy in the beginning, suddenly you're Garth fuckin Brooks?
I have the toothache from HELL right now. I haven't been to the dentist in over a year, and I'm kicking myself right now for it. Despite my fear of pain, I called 1-800-DENTIST today to find a good one near my office. They should be calling me tomorrow to set up an appointment. They're gonna do something painful to me, I JUST KNOW IT! All I care is they better drug me up good with NOS (heh heh) or I'll never survive. Pray for me.
I was walking with one of my boss's down to the parking garage to move my car because I was blocking his in. He asked me how my "boyfriend" was, and I said.. what boyfriend. "The one in Florida." I said, "he dumped me." He said, "no way." I said, "yup. I wasn't good enough for him." He said, "he's an idiot. He doesn't deserve you anyway." Awwwe. What an ego boost.
Watching My Father, The Hero now. Gerard Depardoodoo is one funny guy.
Gotta go now.
APRIL 16, 2003 :: 05:27AM Another sad love song.
Jammin' to ... feelin'So take a look at me now... cuz there's just an empty space. There's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face. So take a look at me now... there's just an empty space. And you coming back to me is against the odds and that's what I've got to face.
I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry. There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why you're the only one who really knew me at all.
^^^ Pretty song. :p
My aunt called me at the office this morning and managed to piss me off within 5 minutes. I am the busiest during morning hours, and she decides to call me and bitch, moan, whine and even ask for a FAVOR. Unbelievable. We have an average sized garage. She has two of these monster-sized shelves which stores all her junk. I have a teeny tiny book case turned utility shelf where I put my tools and extra car parts. Even THAT is crowded with her junk spilling over. She whines and complains to my mom that my shit is laying around. First of all, don't fucking whine to my mother, what am I 12 years old? If you have a fucking problem with something I do, tell ME about it. Second of all, I LIVE THERE TOO. Where the hell does she expect me to put my shit? Rent a storage space? She's the one who's all over my back about how I spend my money in the first place. What annoys me the most is when she asks me something (more like, demands something) she repeats herself at least three times. As if my answer is going to change. After all this I tell her I'm extremely busy and I don't have time for this right now. Then she says Wait Wait Wait! Can you help your cousin network his and Marissa's (my niece) computer together? Is it expensive? How much do you think it is? Because blah blah blah wah wah wah yadda yadda bling blang (on and on for a good minute or so, when I just TOLD HER I HAD TO GO.) I was so irritated with her this morning. I don't even like to be in the same room as her anymore because of the way she is. GUHHH!?!@!#@$#^!
APRIL 14, 2003 :: 04:55PM Awwwwww!!
Jammin' to ... feelin'Just as I'm ready to turn off the computer, I stroll along to Edmond's site and find this!!! >> I Thought She Knew by Nsync, dedicated to me! Awwwwwe :) Edmond is a master at cheering me up.
APRIL 14, 2003 :: 04:50PM I can't sleep.
Jammin' to ... feelin'2:45AM. Absolutely nothing at all to watch on the 800 channels the cable company has to offer me. I have this awful feeling in my stomach, again. It's different than any other feeling I've ever had. I believe it's a mixture of grief (death mentioned earlier), anger (person on eBay who stole a shit load of $$$ from me), anxiety (dreading what tomorrow's work-day has in store for me), upset stomach (all I had for dinner was a cheese danish from Starbucks), heartbreak (same ol' story), and fatigue.
Bahhh. I've always wondered if I needed to see a shrink. I'm sure I do, but I'm afraid of the bill and what he/she might discover.
"In short, you're a freak. That will be $500."
APRIL 14, 2003 :: 12:38PM RIP Jonathan "Jape" King
Jammin' to ... feelin'What a sad weekend... a member of a message board I frequent died in a car accident Friday or Saturday, not sure when. He lived in England so I'm not sure about the time difference. I didn't know him too well, but he was a regular on the board. His final post was only hours before his accident probably. So sad... how life is so fragile. I'm trying not to think about it too much so it hasn't sunk in yet. I've been trying to call my close friends and relatives to say hello and that I care about them; you never know when the last time you will be able to tell them is...
In other news... I can't believe this weekend is OVER. :o( Lately I have been dreading work. Why? I really don't know. I'm just afraid to fail, I guess. I shouldn't be though, because only I can decide whether I am going to fail or not. I'm just afraid my laziness will overpower my drive. Ahh fuck. I gotta straighten up quick.
APRIL 12, 2003 :: 03:58AM I like this N'Sync song
Jammin' to ... feelin'I Thought She Knew
She was my once in a lifetime,
happy ending come true.
I guess I should have told her,
I thought she knew...
She said I took her for granted,
that's the last thing I would do.
I'll never understand it,
'cause I thought she knew.
I thought she knew:
my world revolved around her,
my love light burned for her alone.
But she couldn't see the flame,
only myself to blame.
I should've known,
I should've known.
A heart full of words left unspoken
Now that we're through
I'd sell my soul
to have this silence broken
I thought she knew my world revolved around her
My love light burned for her alone
But she couldn't see the flame
Only myself to blame
I should've known
I should've known
She was my once in a lifetime,
happy ending come true.
I guess I should of told her,
but i thought she knew.
I thought she knew,
I thought she knew...
It's the kind of song I wish some guy would dedicate to me. Haha, but sadly, that will never happen so all I've got is my imagination.
But, hey, that's just fine and dandy...
APRIL 11, 2003 :: 02:21PM New RAW FILES entry
Jammin' to ... feelin'Title: Against all odds.
(e-mail for access.)
APRIL 11, 2003 :: 12:11PM Enlightened.
Jammin' to ... feelin'Today I realized an important thing.
I'm in this all alone.
APRIL 10, 2003 :: 01:12PM I fucked up.
Jammin' to ... feelin'I screwed with the site somehow trying to make it look pretty on a Mac. I think I royally FUBAR'd. I'll fix it tomorrow.
APRIL 10, 2003 :: 01:36AM Feeling good today. :)
Jammin' to ... feelin'I'm in an abnormally good mood this morning.
Lately I have not had many interesting things to write about. My life isn't as fucked up as it used to be, I guess, and for that I apologize. :D Come to think of it, my life is equally fucked up now as it was before, I just ran out of clever ways to write about my woes. I've long surpassed the denial and mourning stage, now I'm in acceptance.
This weekend is my friend's baby shower. Yeee! I miss my friends. I haven't seen them in so long. Then Sunday I *think* we have a softball game planned but who knows. If I don't go to that, Sunday will be dedicated to cleaning the house and laundry. Then the following weekend I'm going BACK to San Diego to my high school friend's baby shower. She's married now and is due in June. Man, hearing stuff like that makes me feel soooooo old.
I'm slowly relearning how to use a computer on the Mac. It's all so foreign to me. I almost feel incompetent. It took me about 10 minutes to figure out how to bookmark something, and had to ask a friend how to right click. Slowly but surely, I'll be a full-blown Mac user. Time to splurge on some software......
APRIL 09, 2003 :: 09:23AM Oh man.
Jammin' to ... feelin'My site looks FUNKY on a Mac. :p
APRIL 09, 2003 :: 07:03AM Seriously, this is the longest day ever
Jammin' to ... feelin'I have been eyeing the clock ever since 2:30PM. It feels as if hours upon hours have passed and yet it is only 5:02PM. I am anxious to get home and play with my new toy which is waiting patiently for me in the trunk of my car. I bought an AirPort wireless base station, Jeopardy! computer game and a program which allows me to move files from my PC to my Mac easily. I also bought an iPod portable music thing but I won't get that until Friday or so. Yippee!
My hair is turning an ugly shade of orange again. I will redye it on Friday or something. I wish I could dye it black again but I know for sure I'll be so bored of it and regret it.
5:07PM. Time creeps by slowly like an elderly man with a limp. This is the longest 53 minutes of my LIFE!
APRIL 08, 2003 :: 02:12PM Kiss of death.
Jammin' to ... feelin'"You're my good friend."
*cringe*
Knife in hand.
Insert in heart.
APRIL 08, 2003 :: 05:51AM I have this sick feeling.
Jammin' to ... feelin'...in the pit of my stomach. I think it's this fucking daylight savings shit. Actually, no. It's me having utter disappointment in myself. I'm better than this.. so why can't I fucking get my act together? Just talking to myself, don't worry (or worry?).
Today I made a hardcore TO DO list for work. Anything and every single thing I anticipate having to do for at least the next two months. It's good to lay it all out like this. Maybe then I'll start feeling better about myself.
My boss locked my keys in my car today, while it was running. That was an adventure. AAA dude jimmied the lock and admired my seats. That doesn't make me feel nice.
I've been listening to the same 5 songs over and over again. I'm starting to fall asleep.
I read something I wish I hadn't read. Now I feel like shit. I want to flush myself down the toilet.
APRIL 06, 2003 :: 04:53PM Dialup hell again.
Jammin' to ... feelin'I've been on my laptop for 15 minutes and I've already used up 40% of my battery life. This fucking laptop. As soon as I get my PowerBook this one is going to be paid a visit by my Yokohama Paradas (tires), over and over. No, joking. I'm going to need this laptop for tuning when I get my AEM EMS.
I watched the Are You Hot? finale today. At first my sister forced me but as I watched it, it got interesting. David, the guy who won, he's just too damn cute. I wonder what high school he teaches at. In his lil bio section they said he was a HS teacher in San Diego. HmmMMM. Interesting. As for the girls, I thought the prettiest was Lisa, she was just WAY too LiKe Oh Mah GaWD?! RaH rAH! Go TeAM GO!@#$@! Ahhhh [pseudo]reality television. The stuff you love to hate.
I just looked at my calendar and I only have 2 open weekends for the next two months. Just thinking about it is already tiring me. I've got my annual Bay Area trip with the fellas (and ladies, too this year I think!) first weekend of May, then around Memorial day I have my trip to Florida for a week. THEEENN in June or July my girl friend and I might go to North Carolina. And to think I used to hate traveling.
I'm logged onto my old AIM sn right now. I can't believe I have 112 people on this buddy list. Out of 112, 83 are online, 60 of those are AWAY, 20 are IDLE and 3 are ACTIVE. Ok, no, I didn't really count, but it's an accurate guess. I really don't see the point in leaving your AIM on just so everyone can see that you're "away"... the only time I ever do that is when I forget to turn it off, or if I plan to come back to it within the next 10 minutes.
Good lawd, my mom's snoring sounds like bombs over Baghdad right now. I gotta get out of here. Night!
APRIL 05, 2003 :: 04:48PM Nobody knows it but me.
Jammin' to ... feelin'...song by Tony Rich project. Good jam.
It's 1:30 am and I should really be sleeping. I'm leaving for San Diego (again) early tomorrow morning in order to make my eye doctor appointment at noon. My genius of a sister had a date tonight so she forced me to alter my plans so she could tag along with me to SD. She also took the liberty of inviting a third person to join us in my already cramped car. Well, that person better not complain how uncomfortable it's going to be.
I've developed the oddest of odd crushes on someone. I've never met him, have exchanged barely 10 words with him over the silly internet, yet he intrigues me in the most peculiar way. I want to know him and everything about him. It's a completely innocent thing, though. I believe he has a girlfriend, and, well I'm a mess in the relationship department.
Anywhoot. I'm watching Saving Silverman. Jack Black and Steve Zahn are comedic geniuses.
Yadda blahblah dada doo dee.
I can't believe I spent $700 on a standalone ECU today. Man, the money it costs just to keep my car running up to par. Retail on these suckers (AEM EMS) are around 1200 though, so I got a hell of a deal for a brand new unit. Whoopie.
Well that's all. I gotta get to bed.
APRIL 01, 2003 :: 06:17AM My fuckin CPU is so loud.
Jammin' to ... feelin'My computer at work is quite old, quite worn, and it's hanging on its last thread. It is so loud right now, I cannot even hear my music. It's even under my desk. It used to sit right under my monitor which was worse. I kick it every once in a while, which shuts it up for a few seconds but it starts up all over again. Shit damn fuck ass.
I ordered a new laptop. Weee. Looks like I'm making "the switch." ;) Hopefully I will get my ass in gear and start learning some new graphics programs.
Blahdiddy blah blah. Back to work.
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