March 2003

MARCH 30, 2003 :: 03:35PM

In SD for the weekend. Jammin' to ... feelin'

Blogging from my brother's bedroom (only room upstairs with a working phone jack) on dialup HELL. I am so irritated at the slowness. I'm going mad. I need to get back to LA and fast. Tomorrow I'm driving down to Eastlake to pick up a few goodies for my car. WOOHAHH I'm excited. I'll probably stop by my cousin's house down there too. I haven't seen those folks in years. Ahh my old 'hood. I went to high school down there my freshman year. Which brings me to my next subject. My mom gave me a box of crap leftover from the old house with a lot of memorabilia. My yearbooks, letters, pictures, and misc. crap I collected over my four year relationship with Jerry. It's so weird looking at it all.. blah. A box full of memories. Anyway, I gotta go. Dialup is owning me right now.

MARCH 27, 2003 :: 04:09PM

Drama. Jammin' to ... feelin'

I fucking hate that word. Yet, I live in it everyday. Today Jerry's (my ex-bf of four years) screen name popped up on my buddy list. Whoa. We exchanged the hellos, yadda yadda, and the subject of our love lives came up. He's married now. Whoa x 2. In a way I expected it, seeing as though he's around that age already. But in some weird way, I was floored. I'm certain that I don't have feelings for him, so that's not even an issue. It's just that he was my first real boyfriend and I practically grew up with him by my side. I was 14 when we started going out. This bit of news threw my world off course and I needed to talk to someone to put me back on track. Enter recent-ex-bf-turned-good-friend. This is where I made my mistake. I told him about the news I heard today, while he proceeded to tell me about his ex-girlfriend. He also decided to throw in that he was so in love with her and had planned to marry and have kids with her. Twist the fucking dagger while it's already in my heart, why don't you. My heart sank into my stomach and I bit my lip forcing the tears back. You know, after all the pain I went through with Jerry, I was certain that it was not possible for me to be hurt that way again. Well, in a way I was right. I was fucked over, again, this time it was ten times worse. I was doing fine for months. I hadn't shed a single tear over him. Tonight I broke down and it came back to me hard. I put my all into this friendship, because he wants to be friends still. But what do I want? I know I want him in my life somehow, but is it really because I want his friendship or do I subconsciously keep this friendship alive because I'm hoping it will grow into more again in the future? I've tried many times to let go, and cut off contact at least until I've completely lost all feelings for him. But, all he has to do is throw a fucking bread crumb at me and I come flocking over. Everyone has that one "special" ex that stands out among the others. For Jerry, that was me. For me, it's Rob, and for Rob, it's that girl. THAT FUCKING KILLS ME.

MARCH 23, 2003 :: 06:52AM

At work on a Saturday afternoon Jammin' to ... feelin'

I'm bloggin' from the office today. Not that I've got gobs of work to do, I just came in to finish burning the rest of my sister's party favors. I took my external CD burner home to finish but it took about 17 minutes per CD. Mind you, I've got 70 CDs to do. So I brought my burner back to work today so I could have three times the power using the other two burners at work. Well I'm a dumb fuck and forgot the cables to my burner at home, so I'm working with two now. FUCK these burners are fast!! Literally takes 5 or 6 minutes per CD. ROCK! Here's what the CD cover I designed looks like. So tonight I'm headed to Lounge 217 with my friend Phil to party in honor of my sister and cousin's 30th birthday. Damn, they're old. Haha. I was talking to Rob yesterday about where he sees himself in 10 years. Then he asked me where I see myself in 10 years... shit, I'll be 31! 31 doesn't sound so far away, but to think that it will be 10 years before I get there makes it sound FAR. Damn, I hardly realize that I'm so young still since I've lived the life of a 40 year old. In my current state, I feel quite mature for my age. But what worries me is, what if I've reached my peak already? What if I've grown up as much as I possibly can already and I've pretty much topped off and will be this way for the rest of my life?! AHH!!!! I'm like a small turbine. Spools up real fast but top end power suffers. Enough of the melodrama.

MARCH 19, 2003 :: 07:53AM

DDR WEEEEEEEE. Jammin' to ... feelin'

My Dance Dance Revolution game came today. I am PSYCHED. I was going to invest in a treadmill and home gym equipment, then said "fuck that!" I'll just pay a few bucks for this calorie burning game. Now all I gotta do is stop fucking buying white chocolate frappacinos and maybe my ass will deflate. On a side note... :drool:

MARCH 17, 2003 :: 03:41PM

Whenever, wherever, whatever. Jammin' to ... feelin'

^^^ is a great song by Maxwell. I'm having a great last-couple-of days. I'm believing in love again and I feel good about life in general. Now if I could only find my fucking traffic school completion certificate and that little piece of paper with your PIN that the bank gives you after issuing you a new ATM card, I'd be content. The fucking state of California is royally screwing me over with my first ticket. I did traffic school for the fucking thing, and they send me back the certificate because I didn't send in the $29 administration fee (just another excuse to earn money). So I send the $29 and forget to send the certificate along with it as well. FUCK. That's my fault for forgetting, but it's the state's fault for being so fucking complicated!! UGHHH. I have until April 1st to find it and mail it in. Maybe if my room were clean, I'd actually have an easier time finding it.... I wish I hadn't eaten that mango before bed. Now I'll never get the taste out of my mouth. Oh, almost forgot to mention. I bowled for the first time ever last night. I've always gone to the bowling alley with friends but never actually bowled. Well last night I said what the hey, why not. First roll down the lane I knocked down 9 pins. Not bad! It all went downhill from there. I could have majored in Gutter Ball sciences. Out of the 3 games we played I royally stunk with the exception of my two spares. Ahh oh well, it was fun. My right arm fucking hurts. I write with my left hand but I do everything else with my right. My cousin was cracking me up.. his main goal was not to knock down pins, but to get to a speed of 20MPH. He hurled the ball so hard that it immediately ricocheted into the gutter. But at least he got speed, that's all that mattered. Haha. This damn mango....

MARCH 13, 2003 :: 09:27AM

Today's Randomness Jammin' to ... feelin'

I got to work at 11am, so why does it feel like I've been here for 12 hours already. If you don't ever answer your phone don't whine if we don't talk to each other for weeks!! I'll pay anyone $100 to deliver a venti ice blended white chocolate mocha to me. No, you can't call me that. Bitch.

MARCH 11, 2003 :: 05:49PM

Insomniac Jammin' to ... feelin'

I feel sleepy. My body is tired and is begging me to lie down, yet when I do, all I do is roll around trying to find a comfortable position. Let me try again.

MARCH 08, 2003 :: 06:54AM

Sorry. Jammin' to ... feelin'

I wasn't kidding when I said I was going to put 10000% more effort into work. I have been too busy to write. Now begins the real entry. 7am... the garbage truck beeps as it backs up and I start my day thinking 'bout what I've thrown away. Could I push rewind? The credits traverse, signifying the end but I missed the best part, could we please go back to start? Forgive my indecision... I've never been an overly deep and profound person (so uhh, I guess that makes me dense?), so I don't have an interpretation for the above verse. To me it just sounds amazing for what it is. Why? Who knows, my mind works in retarded ways. A person I know is engaged and his fiance is pregnant with a baby boy on the way. I should be happy for him but I don't know, I'm not. I can't describe what I feel... it's borderline jealousy. For one, I don't think she deserves him. Secondly, I've always been bitter towards those who are in a happy relationship. Thirdly, I've had the worst baby fever ever this whole year. I dread the day he mentions anything about the engagement or pregnancy to me (I only heard it through the grapevine) because I don't think I can fake being happy for him. For all my life people have this pure, innocent and sweet image from me. It makes me chuckle because I am almost the complete opposite. Only my close friends know the real me. If you haven't noticed, that is the meaning behind my domain name. Well, lately, I haven't been able to fake my sweetness as well as I used to. People have really seen the bitchy side of me. Gotta change that. Only sweet girls get their way all the time. :o Every morning I plop down at my desk at work and blow a kiss to my Brandon on my Incubus calendar. I'm a freak, yes indeedy.

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