January 2004
JANUARY 29, 2004 :: 09:52PM Last night, I had a dream...
Jammin' to ... feelin'New audio.
today.
i woke up alone
wishing you were here with me.
i want us to be something
that we'd probably never be.
[bleep] don't you understand
that what i say is true?
i just want you to know
i have a major crush on you.
JANUARY 29, 2004 :: 12:48AM Pop singin' posers.
Jammin' to ... feelin'Someone tell me what this new trend is with singers wearing the entire Hot Topic clothing line while singing the same old sappy love songs that Britney, Mandy and N'Sync sing only with slightly more attitude? First there's Avril now there's this FeFe Dobson chick? I'm sitting here relaxing, winding down from a tough day at school, watching the tail end of Leno and waiting for Conan to come on. Musical guest comes on and it's a punky looking Tatyana Ali (think Fresh Prince) nasally singing something about love. Now I know nothing about this chick and have never heard of her prior to tonight. But riddle me this, why are pop singers such posers? The teased hair, the funky makeup, the tight vintage tees, raggedy jeans, piercings out the wazooo. Suddenly "oooh ohh baby, la la la, i love you, kiss me" comes out of their mouth. The same query comes to mind when I see Good Charlotte. I first saw their "Lifestyles" video late at night with the sound off while I was on the phone. I expected some hardcore heavy metal sound but when I turned MUTE off, the lead singer's voice rivaled the high range of Justin Timberlake's. What's with the makeup and spikey hair! Oh, not to mention their oh so tough wrecking of the instruments after their set on the last MTV VMAs. PuhleaZE!!1 Get ova yaselves!
Effin' A I'm so tired. Strange day at work... very strange. A couple weeks ago we hired an IT firm to handle our computer beezwax for the office. Today two techs were scheduled to come by and survey the situation, see what the hell was going on with our computers. Small frackin world; I went to high school with one of the techs!! It's just so weird because we both went to the same high school in a completely different city. We briefly shot the shit while going over our network with them. That was pretty fun. Ahhhh.. memories.
My bed is lookin' mighty comfortable right now. I better go cuddle with my pillows.
JANUARY 27, 2004 :: 12:50AM I fall so deep...
Jammin' to ... feelin'I'll never tire of this song.
Umm. I just looked down at my robe and saw some dried brown stuff on the collar. It could either be dog doodie or dried chocolate. I don't really want to smell it to find out so I think I'm just gonna toss this in the dirty laundry pile. Uh huh. Yeah, good idea.
It's getting closer and closer to the end. Bittersweet ending because if I make it out alive, then wahoo. If I don't... then I can't predict how much it's going to change my life. I just know that it will, drastically. I'm scurrred.
For the past few days I have completely disconnected myself from the world. I don't pick up my phone anymore, hell I don't even look to see who's calling. I'm hardly ever online and when I am I'm always "away." I took Oliver for a walk this evening around the neighborhood. Walked for miles in the cold, dark of night. I didn't bring a cell phone, no eyeglasses, no kind of protection. But for once I wasn't antsy, paranoid or stressed. Even though my hands were numb from the cold and from the leash wrapped around it, I was at ease. I also thought it'd wipe the energy out of Oliver so that when we got back home he'd sleep. The opposite happened. Grrr... but I really should do this more often. Free therapy!
JANUARY 26, 2004 :: 04:52PM HAHA. Another amendment..
Jammin' to ... feelin'Just thought of a funny memory after this song came on.
Angel by Dru Hill reminds me of these ghetto fobulous guys in my senior year Econ class who LOVED this song for some reason. The class would be in the middle of group discussions and all of a sudden they break out into song. Hahahaha. Funny stuff.
Alright, back to work I go. :(
JANUARY 25, 2004 :: 11:31PM To amend to the previous entry...
Jammin' to ... feelin'I Get So Lonely by Janet Jackson reminds me of my senior year in high school when a few of my friends did a dance routine for the talent show. The beginning of their routine was just like the video. White shirts, ties and a hat.
The Arms of the One Who Loves You by Xscape reminds me of when my ex (the one I was with for four years) broke up with me to be with someone else. REALLY tough time for me.
Never Gonna Let You Go by Faith Evans reminds me of a guy I was casually seeing YEARS ago, whenever that song was popular. I don't know why but that song always seemed to be playing whenever we were around each other.
And I guess that's all for now. Man... rough weekend. And onto another rough work week. :( It never ends, I tell ya. I can't wait till this is all over...
JANUARY 24, 2004 :: 12:54AM You know how certain songs...
Jammin' to ... feelin'...remind you of a specific memory? The connection between the song and the event is so strong that you find yourself reminiscing to that exact moment whenever you hear the song? That happens a lot for me. It doesn't even have anything to do with ex-boyfriends or mushy crap like that. For example...
Brown Eyes by Destiny's child reminds me of the drive home from San Jose when I picked up my GS-R. I didn't bring too many CDs so I had a lot of songs on repeat.
Pero Me Acuerdo De Tí by Christina Aguilera reminds me of the times I'd drive to Escondido from Mira Mesa to visit my buddy Emmy and her kids. I miss that girl and I especially miss her son Joseph. Cutest baby EVAR. He's gotta be 6 years old now. DAMN! I remember when she was still pregnant with him. Shit, I remember when she called me crying cuz she was pregnant. We were both 15 or 16 at the time. Once I visited them and pulled up the same time that they did in the parking lot (they had just come from the store) and he was banging on the window saying "Mae! Mae! Let me out mommie!! It's Mae!" Awwwwweee. My heart melted.
Are You That Somebody? by Aaliyah and Hot Boyz by Missy Elliot feat. Eve also remind me of Emmy. We'd cruise around in her parents' big ass Landcruiser during lunch breaks when we worked together.
Passin' Me By by Pharcyde reminds me of... hehe... a certain person who shall remain nameless. :p Also reminds me of the days I thought I was badass driving around in my Civic. HAHA.
Lately by Jodeci and I'll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me) by Exposé brings me back ten years to when my cousins came down to San Diego to hang out with us for summer vacation.
It Might Be You by Steven Bishop reminds me of the times I was a little girl going on family trips with my parents. Mostly driving to San Francisco or Los Angeles. Strange... but that song was always playing on the radio.
And that concludes our trip down memory lane. I better try and get to bed, for I have work tomorrow.
JANUARY 21, 2004 :: 11:29PM I'm burnt out.
Jammin' to ... feelin'After another 12+ hour day at work I'm officially burnt out. This is the first time in a while my body actually aches from sitting down too long. For about an hour after the initial rush of work I just sat. Sat and stared. Then I snapped out of it and worked for another four or five hours. I predict tomorrow is going to be another 12+ hour day. Booo hooo hooo. It's really my own fault anyway, so I won't complain too much.
Ugh.. I can't think right now. Night.
JANUARY 19, 2004 :: 08:11AM Happy [relatively speaking] Monday.
Jammin' to ... feelin'There's an eerie silence in the office. It's quite calm and I'm feeling rather mellow, especially for a Monday morning. Oh yeah, I remember why. Because it's 8 in the frackin' morning and I'm sure half the office is still drooling on their pillow right now.
Yawn. 1 hour and 45 minutes of sleep was all I got this morning. My own fault of course. I've cut caffeine out of my diet so I'm struggling, but much to my surprise I'm functioning OK. I was even able to get out of bed without much effort. Let's hope I don't knock out at 8pm again tonight and wake up at 1am only to be up the rest of the damn morning.
I spent a good chunk of last night tying up loose ends on this gawd forsaken website. A HUGE thanks to Edmond for helping me with the streaming audio. I had to put something in that little box and the only thing that'd fit were stop/play/pause buttons. Now that everything looks a lil more organized and junk, I'm satisfied. I don't think I'll touch this layout for many, many months. Doubt I'll be struck with creative energy anytime soon. Archives still aren't working, though. Grr. I'll investigate further at a later time.
JANUARY 15, 2004 :: 03:25PM I know I'm forgetting something.
Jammin' to ... feelin'Don't you hate that feeling of knowing there's something important you have to get done but can't remember what it is for the life of you? It's 3:11pm and I've got a pile of work on my desk. None of it is pressing, so I can afford to take a few minutes to relax. *thinks real hard* Hmm, nope, can't think of anything urgent right now. Ah wells.
I'm on super duper frackin' overload. I've got my full-time job which takes away about 75% of my energy. School is relatively easy (compared to my friends' curriculum) and that takes up 20%. Then I've got my part-time job (yeah, bet you didn't know I had a part-timer too huh?) that is slowly eating up the rest of my energy supply. Effin' A man. Pretty soon the storm will settle at my day job and it'll be smooth sailing for me again. I get to have a social life! Weeeee. But I don't foresee this happening for at least another couple months. Damn it all!
Did I mention I'm trying to cut back on cursing? Muahaha... we shall see how that goes. Not to say I'm giving it up altogether, just saving it for my occasional road rage outbursts, or when absolutely necessary. Hooray for St. Mae.
Yawn... I didn't wake up until 9am this morning. DOH. Good thing I didn't park across the street where they have the no parking from 7a-8a thang. My body has just had it. I've had too little sleep over the past few weeks so it blatantly ignored the incessant beeping of my alarm clock. Not to mention I forgot my cell phone at work (which serves as my primary alarm clock, the clock radio is the back-up), so that made it easier to sleep through the noise. I need a new clock radio alarm anyway. I've had the same one for almost ten years I think!! Eek. We've been through hell and back together. It'll be hard to part with it. =P
JANUARY 15, 2004 :: 12:09AM Yes, this is recycled.
Jammin' to ... feelin'No your eyes are not deceiving you. I have sunked to the lowest of low; I've recycled an old layout. I couldn't help it! The Porsche version was driving me crazy and I don't have the energy to spill my creative energy (or the lack thereof) on Photoshop right now. This was one of my favorites so I decided to revive it. Send any hate mail here, thank u drive thru.
My archives haven't been working since November. I have no clue why. I've tried rebuilding the archive page through Greymatter but still no dice. OH WELL. Another time. For now I must shower and go to bed. NIGHT!
JANUARY 14, 2004 :: 12:38AM Decaff. MMMM.
Jammin' to ... feelin'It's 12:17am and I just finished a delectable cup of coffee. WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?! Coffee at this hour? Well, don't worry it's decaffeinated. Complete with artificial sweetener too. ;) Now I can enjoy my coffee the healthy, non-addicting way. (BTW, aspartame bad, sucralose good mmkay?) Too bad it can't wake me up in the morning for SHIT though. Fixed myself a cup of decaff this morning and my eyelids were falling all day.
When I got home I crawled into bed only intending to close my eyes for a few seconds. Yeah right! Next thing I know it's 11:45pm and I've just woken up from a monster nap. NOOOO!!! Now I'll never get to bed at a decent hour tonight. :( I'm hoping I got enough sleep from my nap + whatever couple hours I get tonight to wake up at 6:00am again. I've found new motivation to get my ass out of bed early and into work at 7:00am each morning. THE CITY. Yep, they've imposed this new wetarded rule on my street that you can't park there from 7-8:00am. So, when my alarm is beating down my ear drums in the morning I have two options. a) Continue to dream in unconscious bliss for an hour, or b) Wake up and avoid the $65 parking ticket. Ummm... I may be known for bad money-management but I think I'll pass on the $65 ticket thankuverymuch.
Bah... life is brutal at the moment. One minute I'll have a care-free mentality, next thing you know I'll be suffering from a 20-second long anxiety attack. Did I do this? Did I do that? Did I finish those? Did I send these out? FUCK! I wish I could turn work mode off as soon as I leave the office building.
Guess I better try to go to bed now.
JANUARY 10, 2004 :: 04:34PM My weekend of fun.
Jammin' to ... feelin'I need to accomplish at least four of five things this weekend. In order of importance: a) Laundry, b) Clean room, c) Homework, d) Work projects, e) Get some Thai tea. My plan is to do homework first, then clean my room. If it's not too late when I'm finished with these two, I'm heading to the laundromat. I have a lot of laundry to do so it might be a two-parter thing. Some laundry tonight, some tomorrow morning provided I wake up BEFORE NOON!! After I've finished my laundry I am going to reward myself with some Thai iced tea. Lots of it. If there's any time leftover I will head into the office to do some work.
On your mark... get set... go!!!!
JANUARY 08, 2004 :: 02:14AM Am I really this insane?
Jammin' to ... feelin'I mosied on over to moveabletype.org and thought it looked so neat, that I am actually considering staying up for the rest of the night to work on a new layout and incorporating MT as my new journal tool. WTF!
JANUARY 08, 2004 :: 02:04AM The trouble with love is...
Jammin' to ... feelin'Shaddup, I like this song. Kinda makes me think about certain things and makes me wonder if I'm cock blocking myself by trying to be so independent and all that baloney. Hmm. It's too late in the evening/early in the morning for me to try and analyze this, so I'll stop there.
I'm going to take an exacto knife and cut my mothalovin' nose off. I was death-bed sick twice over the past couple months but now I'm all better. Only now my nostrils are on FIRE. Someone pointed out that it may be dry weather that's causing the skin up in thurr to be sensitive but umm, it's not really dry out? It's winter and always humid here. Seriously, I'm in pain here!! It feels like someone grabbed all my nose hairs at once and pulled really hard. I'm such a dork, I took my 10x magnifying mirror, grabbed a flash light and tried my best to see what the fuck is going on in there. Hahahahaha... oh man. I'm such a tard. No snot stalactites present but the skin did look like it's been through hell and back. What the... ok next subject.
I was having lunch with my boss today and he said something that kinda insulted me. He was asking me how school was going and all that. I said it was fine... going slowly but surely. He said I didn't really need to go back to school but that at least I'll have the proper credentials for when I start working at a higher level. Ummm... there was really nothing insulting about that sentence, and I'm as high as I can be on the corporate latter right now, but him saying that "one day I will work at a higher level" made me feel like what I'm doing right now is entry level shit. I know he didn't mean it like that but... I tend to over analyze. I joked that I had a job interview tomorrow and he almost choked on his food and scolded me for making such a "cruel joke." Haha.... I ain't goin nowherez. Wow, this month marks my 3 year anniversary at my job. Me, sticking with something this long????? Shocker!!
2:00am. I haven't slept before 12:30 in over two weeks. I've been a few minutes late everyday this week so far. Everyone else is always late so no one notices, but I shouldn't be late ever. I live 2 blocks from work!! Damn, another paragraph about work. Well it was inevitable. Work is my husband this year. It's my troubled relationship that I'm going to have to nurse back to a steady companionship in 2004. School will be the secret lover I have on the side five days out of the week.
Guess I better hit the hay. After all I need to milk my next four hours of beauty sleep for all it's worth.
JANUARY 07, 2004 :: 04:18PM This layout...
Jammin' to ... feelin'...is already boring me. Maybe it's the blandness of the background color. Blah. Who knows... Porsche, I love you and all but you've become an eyesore for me on my website.
Moving along. I've decided to become celibate and anti-relationship for at least until December. I've replayed a lot of recent events in my head and realized that I'm wasting time and energy on the bottom part of my priority list. This is why I stress so much when it comes to the important things. Since I haven't paid enough attention to my real issues, I try to cram in as much brain power into it as possible in a short amount of time.
What the fuck? I'm confusing myself. I'll finish this later.
JANUARY 05, 2004 :: 03:34PM A moment to breathe.
Jammin' to ... feelin'I must have opened and closed this greymatter window five times since last night. I'd start to write an entry and then totally space out and eventually close the window. I finally have a moment to breathe here at work so I'm taking advantage of it.
Went to Vegas this weekend. Best part of the trip was the suite we stayed in. Oh man, the Venetian is a bootyful hotel. The bathroom was immaculate, and you all know how I feel about bathrooms. I didn't gamble at all but that's fine. We hit up the outlets in Barstow on the way home, but I didn't find anything worth the money. I'm happy to be home sleeping in my own bed, but I'm bummed that I left my pillow in the hotel room!! Had my fancy pillow sham on it too. I don't really care about the pillow itself. Shit, that reminds me, I'm gonna try calling the hotel.
OH, I almost forgot. I take that back, the best part of my trip was my devirginization to Thai Iced Tea. OH, MY, GAWD! It's like heaven in a tall, chilled glass. I'm gonna have to search the local Thai restaurants for the best tea because I'm having a craving. Unf unf.. Thai.. unf.. Iced.. unf.. Tea!!
JANUARY 01, 2004 :: 03:46AM 2003 in review.
Jammin' to ... feelin'I can't believe I'm even doing this at all, let alone right now at 3:00am after driving home from a party. It's been a while since I've written anything meaningful so, eh, why not. First and foremost, 2003 was a much better year than 2002. Just for that fact, I can say that 2003 was a good year. I was done with the moping and feeling sorry for myself. I received a huge promotion at work and we brought in some new full time staff to help me out a little. The relationships with my close friends could have been better, but all that matters is that we still love each other. Met a lot of new strange people and went through a lot of boy drama which I care to never get into again on this webpage. To live through it once was horrible enough. Ok, so I'm exaggerating. But you get the point.
I can't possibly put all this jibberish in my head into paragraph form so I'm going to list some key memories of the year 2003.
- Bought my dream car, a 1986 Porsche 944 Turbo. Zermatt silver with a very rare Can-Can red interior. It's now my daily driver and I love it to pieces.
- Parted out my Prelude. I still have the damn thing but it's sitting in my parents' garage in San Diego. Someone freakin' buy it!!
- Moved out of my house in ghetto Panorama City and into a quaint but cute little apartment a few blocks from work. Hooray for no more traffic!
- Became a huge post whore on a web board again, something I thought I grew out of years ago. Umm, why am I even listing this as a key memory?!?
- Got my lil yorkie puppy Oliver, the cutest and brattiest thing ever. I love him to bits but sometimes I just want to strangle him to bits.
- Found out some HARDCORE drama/scandal between my cousins. ACK!
- Listened to Tamia's "Officially Missing You" literally over 2,000 times. I'm not joking. This is over a period of 2 months. This is listed as a memory because it's absolutely insane.
- The Year of the Laundry. I fuckin' hate laundry!! And for some reason this year I lost the battle with laundry numerous times.
Wow... Haha, I suck. An entire year has gone by and either I just have a really bad memory or only eight semi-significant things have happened to me total. Could possibly be a combination of both. I know that I have a bad memory, but I also don't doubt that 2003 was pretty uneventful. Ah well, I consider that a good thing!
My eyes are closing... must... go.....sleep..
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