current time is 10:45:09 PM
I'm kinda moody right now. I was supposed to go out to eat but instead I got in my car and just started driving... anywhere. I drove around Mira Mesa for about an hour. It really helped to clear my mind. The slow jams playin were helpful as well. Then of course I came home to my mom's bitching and I was back to reality.
Things are not going well in the emotional department. Gawd can my life get anymore complicated than it already is? I'm not gonna lie, this break up that my ex and I are going through [yes, it takes time, the words "it's over" don't automatically activate when it's been 4 damn years] is really really hard for me. This whole thing is pulling my heart in two different directions. 1) Don't let 4 years go to waste and try to work things out or 2) Move on.. it's about damn time. I know I shouldn't but hell I miss him so much right now. Wait let me rephrase that... I miss the old "us" so much right now. I don't think there's a doubt in my mind that he is my true love and my soul mate. No matter how many guys I get with.. no matter how many I meet, he will always be the one. I'm so scared right now. I'm so scared of being fuckin' lonely. While I was driving around tonight I felt the pain. I felt the pain of being alone. I felt the pain of looking over to my right and not seeing anyone in my passenger seat to keep me company. Most of all I felt the pain of my wrath. I'm angry. I'm angry because I'm doing this all to myself. Why the fuck am I letting someone who hurt me so much over the past 4 years make me feel so helpless without him??!? I am letting him do this to me. I have all the control over my situation yet I can't bring myself to suck it up and face reality. Fuck me. Someone put me out of my fucking misery.
Time, they say eases the pain but now I must keep myself apart from how things used to be. I know I should go on with my life and leave the world behind that I have learned to live. I know, I know I have to be strong.
Even if my heart should call out your name out in the rain, even if these arms should want to embrace you once again, and even if I'm all cried out and no longer in pain, I'll never fall in love that way ever again.
Tears are falling like the rain. How do I convince my heart again that things will be okay? I know I have to make it on my own since you left me all alone, such a lonely place. I know, I know I've got to go on.
Promise that you'd stay and never leave. Just tell me why should I believe? Obviously you have gone astray. And now you're miles away. I'll go on without you.
And even if my heart should call out your name out in the rain, even if these arms should want to embrace you once again, and even if I'm all cried out and no longer in pain, I'll never fall in love that way ever again...
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current time is 2:49:25 PM
current time is 10:37:09 PM
ACK! I only got 56 hits today. =O( I guess it's because I didn't do an entry this morning. I'm sorry geez! My internet connection went bye bye at work. I was going through withdrawals not being able to open one single web page. Hopefully I'll have my lovely connection back on Monday.
I'm sleepy. It's 10 pm and I just woke up from a short nap. I haven't had much sleep this whole week, I think I deserved it. It could have been longer but my dad barged in my room and started bitching to me about being "useless and irresponsible". Whatever. I am sooo not in the mood to deal with his ego trips. I hate when he acts like I don't do anything but bum out all day. Hello I have a fuckin' job and I pay my own fuckin' bills so I really don't think that makes me "useless and irresponsible". Then there's my tag-teamming mom who always has to put her 4¢ [yep, not 2, but FOUR] in making the whole situation worse. Dude my dad is already yelling at me, does she really feel the need to join in? Ugh.
But anyway. After work today I went to North County Fair with my brother. That was a useless trip considering we didn't even buy anything. We didn't even stay there as long as it took us to drive up. Traffic is a bitch. Afterwards we went down to the La Jolla AMC to watch Bring It On but later opted not to. When I got home I just crashed on my bed. I'm so tired.
HAHAHAHA!!!!! I just saw the funniest cartoon. Hah. I needed that laugh. *sigh*
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current time is 1:30:21 PM
I found out what the mysterious taste on my tongue was. I ate a slice of blue berry loaf this morning. I think they used like artificial blue berries or somethin. Hehe. I need some more buttons. Gerard is closing in on me. He's got like 12 and I've got like 13. Not like I'm COMPETING or anything. *grin*
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current time is 11:38:48 AM
Bleh. My saliva tastes like I've been chugging down cough medicine all morning. Yeck. bleh.
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current time is 9:04:10 AM
I apologize ahead of time because I know this is going to be the 15987324th blog about SURVIVOR that you'll read today. Well here's the skinny. I don't watch the show. I never watched a single episode, didn't really have the desire to. My parents were watching last night though so I tuned in just to see who'd be the winner. Thank GOD that Kelly hooch didn't win. I didn't like her just from that one episode. Haha.
I went to sleep pretty early last night. Well not early, but early for me. I even woke up early too! I'm so proud of myself. I got to work with no traffic problems whatsoever. My boss e-mailed me asking me to lunch on Monday. Whoa. Hmm... that's gonna be weird. She's cool and all but that's still weird. Having lunch with your bossy boss. This will definitely be interesting.
Oh yeah! Hi MAI!!! [I hope you're reading this] Mai is my high school buddy. One of the first friends I made when I moved to Mira Mesa. She e-mailed me and I just wanted to say hi back! [Mai: I'll e-mail you too girl I'm just lazy right now. Hehe.] It's good to hear from old friends. Right now I don't really keep in touch with any of them. High school seems like it was sooo long ago.
Yesterday wasn't a good day. Towards the end of the day was so stressful. I don't want to get into it, I don't have the desire to re-live it. I should have known I was going to have bad luck. Yesterday at lunch the total of my food cost $6.66. Ack. I'm too superstitious for my own good. Alright my head is starting to throb [quit your snickering you know what I mean, pervs] and I better get back to work. Bye.
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current time is 8:48:23 AM
Heeeey everyone! So did anyone watch the oh-so-cool Teen Choice Awards on Fox? Eh? Anyone? Anyone? I didn't think so. Haha no wait. I did! I watched parts of it because my brother wanted to. I sooo think that Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar make a fuckin' cute ass couple. They're so lovey dovey all holding each other and.. awwwww!! It was sweet when he gave his acceptance speech he said "I'm with the most beautiful girl here" at the end..... AWWWW!!!! Oh I would have died and gone to heaven if that were me. But of course I'm not Sarah Michelle Gellar. *sigh* A girl can dream can't she?
I think I've gotten a total of 10 hours of sleep this past week. I've been staying up too late. Last night I went to sleep around 2-2:30? I don't remember. I was on the phone again with a really nice fella. I woke up late again this morning at around 7:10 but I was still able to take a shower and get here on time. How? Because I'm SUPERMAE!
Hm. That was lame.
Anyway.... I'm thinking of dropping all my classes and just quitting school altogether. I'll just make up some excuse to my mom about prerequisites or whatevers. I really don't feel motivated to pursue my degree or anything. [I told you I change my mind a lot] I don't know how my mom will take it but she's gonna have to because I don't wanna waste her money again. I wanna drop my classes before the refund deadline.
Did I mention that today is my ex/bf's birthday? [Oh and Kobe Bryant's b-day too!! Eek] I bought him a gift and I want to give it to him even though we're "off" right now and not talking very much. I kinda miss him. =\ So what else is new right? *sigh* Oh yeah I apologize to my new readers for the confusing love life I might seem I have. Here's the dilly: I've been on and off with this guy for almost 4 years [since October 1996] and we tend to break up a lot. I mean A LOT. In between our on and off phases I still see other guys and such. Right now I have a crush on this guy... but because of certain reasons I'm reluctant to take it any further than a crush.
Life sucks!
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current time is 2:12:47 PM
Some fuckhead almost hit my car today!! Grrr.... there would have been hell to pay if he did. I was pulling into a parking lot and this astro van stopped at a speed bump. I waited, then I saw his reverse lights come on! He backed up slowly and I was almost in a state of panic. [Hahah] Finally I came to my senses and honked my horn. He immediately stopped and sped forward. *whew* A fender bender is the LAST thing I need right now.
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current time is 8:21:54 AM
Don't you love the feeling of having a crush on someone? I do. After almost 4 years of being with someone, you kinda miss that old school-girl crush syndrome. I have it right now. It's a wonderful feeling. But like all things that are too good to be true, there is a catch. It's just this one thing that's holding me back, but it's a big thing in my eyes. I don't know if he understands it. I don't think he wants to understand it. But I can't change it.
But enough about that hogwash. I went to sleep around 1:30 am last night. Progress! I still woke up a bit late but managed to speed my way through traffic with 10 minutes to spare. I guess it was my lucky day because this stretch of five consecutive lights along my daily route were all green. Wow, I think that's a sign today will be a good day.
Oh yeah. Haha.... I didn't go to school last night. *don't hit me, don't hit me* I was so fuckin sleepy. I got ready and left around 6:20 but that was just way too late for the first day of class. I just roamed around the parking lot for a minute and decided to go home. I'll just go on Wednesday. Hopefully my teach hasn't dropped me yet. Oh shit Wednesday is the ex/bf's birthday. Fuck. We're "off" right now but I think he'll be really mad if I don't see him. Damn.
Do you ever chew gum for so long that your stomach starts to hurt? *raises hand* I bought myself two packs of Ice Breakers and I can't stop chewin'. I guess it's because after gum loses it's flavor it's basically your own spit that you keep chewing. Bleh.
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current time is 12:48:16 PM
I'm going through whirlpool of emotions. I'm feeling things I shouldn't and can't possibly feel. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I get my own hopes up high when it's perfectly clear that they'll come crashing down? I don't trust these feelings yet. I will not act on these feelings until I know it's right - if I do at all. All the signs are pointing to "wrong" but it seems so right.
I had submarina for lunch. Man those sandwiches are just great. Lovely lovely sandwiches. They're huge though. My stomach is grumbling because I'm so full. Submarina is way better than Subway.
Oops. I forgot this was open again. Ugh I'm so confused right now. Hopefully my teacher won't keep us the whole night on the first day of class. Then I'll get to go home early and talk to my sweetie. =D
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current time is 9:38:32 AM
Just another manic monday [whoa-oh], I wish it was Sunday [whoa-oh]. Darn I don't know the rest of the song. Good morning all! It's 9:22 am. Guess what time I went to sleep last night? Or, rather this morning. 3:45 am. Yep. That's right. I was on the phone with a friend. =] He's such a sweetie. I didn't have that hard of a time waking up this morning. I only got two hours of sleep but it's ok, it was all worth it. I'm probably gonna be dozing off in class tonight [eek]. I'll probably take a quick nap in between work and school.
Oh BTW I think I've found my perfect man =D
I went out to eat last night with my parents. My brother was out with his friends so he did not join us. We ate at Mimi's Cafe at the new mall in Mira Mesa. It was pretty good although I didn't get through half of my Fettucine. My dad ordered the grilled beef liver. *shudders* He made me take a bite. Yuck. I will never eat grilled beef liver - or any type of liver for that matter - ever again. It was pretty funny cuz we were sitting next to these weird ass people. One was an overweight trailer park trash looking old lady, one was an old man wearing some kind of sailors hat, one was a tiny old woman wearing a bright blue rain slick, and the other was just plain fat. They were weird!! Their waiter accidently dropped a spoon and the trailer park trash goes "You're damn right you're sorry! That's horrible!" Uhhh.... ok. And then my mom was offering me some of her watermelon so I took one off her plate and I heard the trash go "My Lord, I can't believe she is eating off someone elses plate? What kind of manners are those?" Ohhh kaaaayyy nowwww.... that was odd. I just ignored it.
I miss the basketball season. I can't wait until it starts again. By that time Kobe will have been married already. Who knows he's probably already married to that hooch. *sobs* Hahah just kidding. I am sooo over him. [Keep telling yourself that, Mae.]
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current time is 7:27:02 PM
I highly suggest you check out this site for a good laugh. I spent about an hour reading through all the hilarious shit they have on that site. They make fun of cars they see on the road that are so ridiculously ugly. Just click the link, I guarantee at least out-loud laughing or your money back.
I haven't had many visitors this weekend. It's probably cuz I don't really have much to say on the weekends since I'm such a loser and nothing happens in my life. Haha. I'm sorry guys, I promise more interesting reading material tomorrow.
I start school tomorrow. Tomorrow night is my accounting class. Tons o' fun. I'm only taking two classes so I shouldn't be too stressed out homework-wise. I really wish I could go to school full time but I've got billz to pay and a part time job just isn't gonna cut it. Life's a bitch ain't it?
I didn't do anything all day except talk to my friend Nam. He's a cool cat. Cute too. Hehe. Well I better go now. Bye!
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